What The Hell Would I Be Without You?

This week, I’m obsessed with dodie’s recent breakout single, “Sick of Losing Soulmates” (along with Ed Sheeran’s latest releases because I’ve been waiting for them for forever and half). This post will be inspired by her song.

Image result for sick of losing soulmates edits

There are some people that enter your life and stay there to be a continual source of sunshine, joy, happiness and in general just love. This song really got me thinking about one of my friends who’s been a constant of pillar of support throughout everything. She’s honestly just everything I aspire to be as a friend, and as a person. She’s so amazingly empathetic, and whenever I’m low she’s always around. So when I heard this song, I thought of her, and I thought of her quite naturally. As the line “what the hell would I be without you?” rolled around, I was convinced that I would be in a shit hole if it wasn’t for her. When I came out as bisexual, she accepted me and gave me rational sensible advice that had no trace of bias in it at all, all while being supportive and in general awesome. It’s always hard to capture an epiphany, simply because the title of this post asks an unanswerable question. Such is the nature of everything we relate to our emotional experiences, I guess. “Watch how a cold broken teen will desperately lean on a super good human for truth”- she let me lean on her time and time again, and it gets me so emotional looking at the extent to which she’s always been around. So much that I’m making a post about it. Because through times where she was against my decision making, she never stopped supporting me. It didn’t matter how much she hated my choices at a time, she would support me if I told her it made me happy. That just captures the essence of being good- no personal agendas, just personal opinions that won’t act as an obstacle towards anything. Here’s my catch though, this is something (or rather someone) that I want to be. I want more than anything to be someone else’s sunshine, and I’m not sure if I’ve ever achieved it. When working as a volunteer Listener at 7 cups of tea, I have had people tell me they wouldn’t have made it another day without me, but I still cannot believe that I’ve been someone’s guardian angel the way this song so beautifully describes it. It’s just hard to believe that I could ever have been that pillar of support for someone, simply because I’m busy and I’d love to be there all the time for support, but I feel like I’m not. I feel I get irritable and snappy and that my shortcomings as a person mean that I can’t be someone’s “guardian angel”, so to speak. Of course, I do know everyone has their shortcomings, but somehow I still think mine are just enough to limit me from ever reaching this coveted state of angel-ness. I don’t know if that makes sense. There’s only one or two “guardian angels” that I have, which has led me to believe that they’re very rare. I thought I’d put this out there, take it how you will, blogosphere! I know this is a somewhat weird and even irrelevant ramble but I thought it was worth a ramble. I’m not sure if everyone else has these real life angels that just swoop in to always be there as a safety net and source of comfort and protection, but I know that I’m very lucky to have one.

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Maybe It’s You (?)

Maybe I really do like the way your hands can make anything art, so casually.

Maybe I really enjoyed that time you pretended to sit next to me only because there was no-one else to sit with.

Maybe I liked the immature jokes, that time I injured you with hot glue.

That time we were walking around naming paper birds with nothing better to do

or that time we decided that speaking bad french was our new hobby.

Maybe it’s how we both think sarcasm should be a language.

Maybe it’s how you said “please talk to me tomorrow. I don’t wanna be alone”.

Maybe it’s the way you blushed and blamed it on that basketball game you had earlier.

Maybe it’s your comical disinterest for calculus, and tickling, and puns.

Maybe it’s the fact that you have no idea that I’m thinking these things.

Maybe it’s all these little maybes adding up in a way they haven’t before

Maybe it’s you, and maybe I like that.

xo Queertastic

Burning, Burning, Burnt.

This piece was meant to be cathartic, and giving it an introduction would make it far too long. 

We were the love that never made it past the finish line. The kind of love that I’d always dreamed of, and yet once I was in between your, no, our dirty laundry I suddenly was ready to let the fleeting recklessness pass me by. With you and I there was no in between, there was no outside, there was just you, and in the twilight hours, just me. We were so burnt, a match that had flames flirting destructively with everything in my life. Yet, I was freezing. There seemed to be no right, no wrong, just raw emotion, destruction and even creation. There were no tears, only fights, no wrongs, only rights, and yet when I left you we stopped going backwards together and started moving forwards alone. It’s such an old tragedy, a romance meant to wither in the yellowed pages of a schoolgirls diary, and yet we managed to burn while burning and being burnt, and in the middle of this flaming desert in the crossroads of right and wrong, I couldn’t stop being cold. Freezing. I left you with burns and yet I remain so cold. Like a moth to a flame, I guess I’ll never stop feeling cold until I’ve fed the fire with every bone in my body. I’m frigid as I dance with the stranger at the party I went to tonight. I’m desperate for cheap warmth when the stranger is twirling me, steadying me, burning me. I don’t even care for whoever (s)he is, my mind is on the more appealing strangeness I’ll be seeing tomorrow. I wish I could be the girl who falls for the arms that sketched her in the back of a notebook. I pretended not to see him sketching, because to him everything is art, and I can only set art on fire. I wish I wasn’t so burnt by you, but to be completely fair- I burnt you too.

xo Queertastic ❤

My Mind’s Good At Running.

Because this wouldn’t be a Queertastic post without a stupid intro, I’m choosing to reveal that I wrote this poem while procrastinating for my Bio exam that is right tommorrow. Sometimes I question my decision making skills. Anyways, I hope this poem doesn’t sound too pretentious or cringe-y, once again I tried my best to be as ~deep~ as possible. Thank you for reading!

My mind is like a child in a concrete jungle-

it runs.

And it won’t stop running, from answers to the questions that it never wanted to ask,

from the times they said yes and the times they say no.

My mind runs from passion but runs towards passion at the same time,

tripping on dust while I chase my own tail.

Making mistakes and drowning in sinking sand,

my mind is good at running.

Danger, Wrapped Like A Present.

This is a lot more whimsical and maybe even relatively simplistic compared to the stuff I write now, I wrote this about a year ago while I was in a relationship that I’m no longer in. It felt super weird looking back at all the emotions I felt so intensely and not being able to relate. While most of the thing I wrote a year back are cringe-inducing, this one doesn’t seem too bad. (And yes, the title was also written a year ago)

He has eyes you can swim in. Eyes you could drown in, until they suffocate you. Eyes that feel like they are reopening your scars and healing them at the same time. He has eyes you can look at, but those eyes won’t open doors for me. They won’t make me mean anything I say to them. I know this is crazy, but those eyes will never treat me the way six year old me wished they would. They won’t give me crazy romantic gestures at midnight, they won’t ever be my fantasy and I’ve been convincing myself that swimming, no, drowning, in disappointment is normal. Those eyes are danger, wrapped like a present.

 

Quick City, Quicker Thoughts.

Image result for city bokeh
(for the first time in a long time, I have nothing to say for the intro)

I see the city now as plastic, in a whole new light. The graying towers look like toys and the people on the sidewalk look like paper. The cars move like blood does in veins, and it feels as though someone has painted the sky into place. here from the cold seat of a double decked bus, it looks all too real and yet all too unreal at the same time.

All of a sudden, it all feels like a lie.

Cheap Mascara

Hey guys! I don’t even know how many poems I’ve written by now, and yet before every poem I warn you guys saying it’s just an attempt so it’ll probably be shitty. I think I’ve passed that stage, so instead I’m just gonna go straight to the poem. Does anyone even read these intros? GAH. 

They say cheap mascara runs like a river
I think anything will run if you cry hard enough
just like anyone can collapse if they don’t try hard enough
just like two people can melt together
if they shape their bones together enough
just like anything can be rough
once you’ve made yourself weak enough
paper thin thoughts, now I run from the rivers of cheap mascara
Running from dried up rivers,
wiping my eyes with stained fingers,
anything will be enough.

Queertastic Is Out! (thank you for reading, if you did xD)

Thank you for reading! wanna check out more rants and weird attempts at poems and musings? My blog is open, and if you’re nice I’ll hand out cookies xD Anyways, if you’re currently struggling with depression and are feeling alone, take this free hug (click here and here and here for cute GIF s that send hugs from me to you ^^)and also a few hotlines, just in case.

Vent to an anonymous stranger- https://www.7cups.com

In case you’re feeling suicidal- http://suicide.org/

Hotlines for Depression specifically- http://addiction.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Depression_Hotlines

Ten Thoughts On Pain.

images (3)Lately, my posts have been really pointless apart from like this one poem that I actually put a lot of thought into. The thing about writing is that ranging from a dime a dozen rant on romance to a deep and unique elegant piece, the relief of airing your feelings is a constant. Oh gosh, now I’m thinking about Chemistry and Math and literally any other subject where you need to learn about constants (Y’know, pi, Planck’s constant, the works) Anyways, ON TO THE POST.

So, I’ve always had a rather multi faceted relationship with pain. I mean, don’t we all? It’s just part of being human, or at least it is in my books. Be it physical pain, emotional pain, the kind of numb pain, the emotional pain that hurts you physically, the pain that seems determined to make you an insomniac… I’ve intentionally caused myself pain, (there’s like, a whole category of my blog dedicated to self harm and for the most part self harm recovery that you can check out here ❤ TRIGGER WARNING THO. Take care of yourself :)) I’ve been rushed into a hospital at 2 AM with cramps equivalent to labor pain (no, I’ve never been knocked up xD) and I’ve felt the pain of being unable to accept myself (again, there’s a whole blog section on me whining about and at the same time celebrating my sexuality which you can find here) and the pain of being kept awake with heartbreak and feelings of worthlessness. And yet, I’d feel like a snob if I called myself an expert on pain because I could’ve had all these things be ten times worse. Here are some thoughts I’ve cultured in my mind when it comes to pain, and though these are based on my experiences I sure do hope they make sense to anyone else reading this.

1- Wanting to cause yourself pain doesn’t make it hurt any less. Let’s be honest with ourselves in saying that wanting pain doesn’t make the pain you put yourself through any less painful. (hey, fun drinking game- take a shot every time I use the word pain). You can want nothing more to than to slide razors across your skin, again and again, day in and day out. It could be the core of your wants, but at the end of the day, the only thing wanting pain can create in the long term is, you guessed it, more pain. And that short burst of relief you feel from the pain you just created for yourself? Yeah, that’s not going to take you to the finish line. Wanting to put yourself through pain and following through with self destruction is the emotional (and sometimes physical) equivalent of taking one step forward and immediately taking two steps back. Y’know what, scratch that, because it’s more like taking two hundred steps back. While I’m mostly citing self arm, this could literally go for any emotional problem. I’ve been both physically and emotionally self destructive and the two can and do go hand in hand.

2- If you need pain, there’s a problem, and it’s a HUGE one. I know this should go without saying, but you’d be surprised at how many people I’ve had to convince. I’ve been a volunteer Listener at 7 Cups of Tea and more often than not I’ve had to convince self destructive and suicidal people that their need for pain is a huge problem with massive and catastrophic cause-effect relationships. images (2)

3- Physical pain and emotional pain are both completely unlike each other and yet extraordinarily comparable. While I think this one is fairly self explanatory, I’ll leave y’all with this thought- both physical and emotional pain have caused me endless nights with little to no relief. With the physical pain, I got to a hospital and got fixed. With the emotional pain I needed to  have midnight talks till I convinced myself that I was fixed enough to go to sleep. Both the pains were fixable and unfixable at the same time. The physical pain left me being afraid to go to sleep every night, afraid of waking up to that same horrible unforgettable pain. The same goes for the emotional pain- I’m always running away from it.

4- All pain will warp your concept of “forever”. This point is probably one point that I find really important from all the others on this list. Pain makes you forget all past and future and leaves you with only the horrible present to focus on. The wrenching in your gut and the hot tears down your throat will make you forget that all emotions are temporary. I remember being convinced that my pain would never end, and once I was convinced that there was no escape, I’d make myself feel helpless and powerless. I would create my own despair because pain put me in a time warp.

5- Only you hold the key to destroying the pain that you create for yourself ❤ This point is,Image result for pain motivation tumblr again, self explanatory. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. I’m not comparing all my lovely readers (do I even have readers) to horses, you’re all lovely unicorns, but you guys get it don’t you? They say you can’t keep a person alive once they’ve lost the will to live, and I completely agree with that. I think this goes mostly for emotional pain, and I know that whoever you are, you can totally get through whatever pain you’re facing 🙂

6- Pain is relative. This picture is basically all the 1000 words I wanted to say. What’s poison to you is Starbucks to a white girl (haha, aren’t stereotypes funny?)

gd5cPDC

7- Pain may/may not consist of a series of choices. This one’s kinda difficult to put into words, but I’m Queertastic. These are the feelings I will spend my entire life trying to capture. The thing about pain is that it consists of limits. We may/may not create this limits. When we push limits, they push back, and sometimes we’re left on the floor, breathless, and pretty goddamn screwed over. It’s just the way life works. You made a Image result for pain motivation tumblrchoice to push your limits, and now you’re in pain. Does that make pushing your limits a mistake? Not necessarily. That’s just something to think about. Conversely, as said by John Green, “You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world…but you do have some say in who hurts you”, and I think he’s right. We’re all going to feel pain at some point, so looking at it that way feeling pain is not a choice, it’s uncontrollable. It’s an unfortunate (or fortunate) side effect of being human. Whether or not you control your pain or just let it crumble through your fingers is something you have at least the tiniest bit of control over.

8- One person’s pleasure is another person’s pain. I think for this one I can point you back to my Starbucks analogy. People thought I was crazy about self harming, and looking back it does seem crazy. It seems psycho that I felt so good about injuring myself, but I can still remember the relief it gave me. Is it scary to think of the way I got pleasure fromimages (5)  pain,that my pleasure was pain? Briefly, yes. Elaborately, yeeeeeeeeesssssss. (where is my prize for lamest joke ever? I WANT IT NOW) But what I’ve learnt is that it’s okay to evolve from pleasure to pain to plain old numb, because pain is like that, it grows and changes, and soon your experiences with it will change for the better.

9- Feeling pain doesn’t make you weak, it just makes you human. You aren’t weak for wanting relief. You aren’t weak because you feel pain that literally every other human being on the planet is feeling.

There is no point ten. Point ten is a flimsy excuse for me to give you an internet hug for reading this far. xD Image result for internet hug gif

Queertastic Is Out! (thank you for reading, if you did xD)

Thank you for reading! wanna check out more rants and weird attempts at poems and musings? My blog is open, and if you’re nice I’ll hand out cookies xD Anyways, if you’re currently struggling with depression and are feeling alone, take this free hug(click here and here and here for cute GIF s that send hugs from me to you ^^)and also a few hotlines, just in case.

Vent to an anonymous stranger- https://www.7cups.com

In case you’re feeling suicidal- http://suicide.org/

Hotlines for Depression specifically- http://addiction.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Depression_Hotlines

 

 

 

 

Faded City

Hello everyone! I haven’t posted in ages, and now I come back with a poem that may/may not sound pretentious. Typical Queertastic, am I right? Haha, look at me typing like people actually read my posts! Well, without further ado, here’s my latest attempt at poetry. I hope this isn’t too cringey xD

I don’t wanna be a one hit wonder

I want beautiful bruises, like thunder

I wanna hear you say my name

All I hear is the painful fade

All I hear is your heartbeat

And my tears soaking up the noise

All I hear is the fast cars in your veins

And I know you don’t feel my pain

And I can tell you’re in love with the lights

pushing me to painful highs

Loving and leaving, and incidentally needing.