Ten Thoughts On Pain.

images (3)Lately, my posts have been really pointless apart from like this one poem that I actually put a lot of thought into. The thing about writing is that ranging from a dime a dozen rant on romance to a deep and unique elegant piece, the relief of airing your feelings is a constant. Oh gosh, now I’m thinking about Chemistry and Math and literally any other subject where you need to learn about constants (Y’know, pi, Planck’s constant, the works) Anyways, ON TO THE POST.

So, I’ve always had a rather multi faceted relationship with pain. I mean, don’t we all? It’s just part of being human, or at least it is in my books. Be it physical pain, emotional pain, the kind of numb pain, the emotional pain that hurts you physically, the pain that seems determined to make you an insomniac… I’ve intentionally caused myself pain, (there’s like, a whole category of my blog dedicated to self harm and for the most part self harm recovery that you can check out here ❤ TRIGGER WARNING THO. Take care of yourself :)) I’ve been rushed into a hospital at 2 AM with cramps equivalent to labor pain (no, I’ve never been knocked up xD) and I’ve felt the pain of being unable to accept myself (again, there’s a whole blog section on me whining about and at the same time celebrating my sexuality which you can find here) and the pain of being kept awake with heartbreak and feelings of worthlessness. And yet, I’d feel like a snob if I called myself an expert on pain because I could’ve had all these things be ten times worse. Here are some thoughts I’ve cultured in my mind when it comes to pain, and though these are based on my experiences I sure do hope they make sense to anyone else reading this.

1- Wanting to cause yourself pain doesn’t make it hurt any less. Let’s be honest with ourselves in saying that wanting pain doesn’t make the pain you put yourself through any less painful. (hey, fun drinking game- take a shot every time I use the word pain). You can want nothing more to than to slide razors across your skin, again and again, day in and day out. It could be the core of your wants, but at the end of the day, the only thing wanting pain can create in the long term is, you guessed it, more pain. And that short burst of relief you feel from the pain you just created for yourself? Yeah, that’s not going to take you to the finish line. Wanting to put yourself through pain and following through with self destruction is the emotional (and sometimes physical) equivalent of taking one step forward and immediately taking two steps back. Y’know what, scratch that, because it’s more like taking two hundred steps back. While I’m mostly citing self arm, this could literally go for any emotional problem. I’ve been both physically and emotionally self destructive and the two can and do go hand in hand.

2- If you need pain, there’s a problem, and it’s a HUGE one. I know this should go without saying, but you’d be surprised at how many people I’ve had to convince. I’ve been a volunteer Listener at 7 Cups of Tea and more often than not I’ve had to convince self destructive and suicidal people that their need for pain is a huge problem with massive and catastrophic cause-effect relationships. images (2)

3- Physical pain and emotional pain are both completely unlike each other and yet extraordinarily comparable. While I think this one is fairly self explanatory, I’ll leave y’all with this thought- both physical and emotional pain have caused me endless nights with little to no relief. With the physical pain, I got to a hospital and got fixed. With the emotional pain I needed to  have midnight talks till I convinced myself that I was fixed enough to go to sleep. Both the pains were fixable and unfixable at the same time. The physical pain left me being afraid to go to sleep every night, afraid of waking up to that same horrible unforgettable pain. The same goes for the emotional pain- I’m always running away from it.

4- All pain will warp your concept of “forever”. This point is probably one point that I find really important from all the others on this list. Pain makes you forget all past and future and leaves you with only the horrible present to focus on. The wrenching in your gut and the hot tears down your throat will make you forget that all emotions are temporary. I remember being convinced that my pain would never end, and once I was convinced that there was no escape, I’d make myself feel helpless and powerless. I would create my own despair because pain put me in a time warp.

5- Only you hold the key to destroying the pain that you create for yourself ❤ This point is,Image result for pain motivation tumblr again, self explanatory. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. I’m not comparing all my lovely readers (do I even have readers) to horses, you’re all lovely unicorns, but you guys get it don’t you? They say you can’t keep a person alive once they’ve lost the will to live, and I completely agree with that. I think this goes mostly for emotional pain, and I know that whoever you are, you can totally get through whatever pain you’re facing 🙂

6- Pain is relative. This picture is basically all the 1000 words I wanted to say. What’s poison to you is Starbucks to a white girl (haha, aren’t stereotypes funny?)

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7- Pain may/may not consist of a series of choices. This one’s kinda difficult to put into words, but I’m Queertastic. These are the feelings I will spend my entire life trying to capture. The thing about pain is that it consists of limits. We may/may not create this limits. When we push limits, they push back, and sometimes we’re left on the floor, breathless, and pretty goddamn screwed over. It’s just the way life works. You made a Image result for pain motivation tumblrchoice to push your limits, and now you’re in pain. Does that make pushing your limits a mistake? Not necessarily. That’s just something to think about. Conversely, as said by John Green, “You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world…but you do have some say in who hurts you”, and I think he’s right. We’re all going to feel pain at some point, so looking at it that way feeling pain is not a choice, it’s uncontrollable. It’s an unfortunate (or fortunate) side effect of being human. Whether or not you control your pain or just let it crumble through your fingers is something you have at least the tiniest bit of control over.

8- One person’s pleasure is another person’s pain. I think for this one I can point you back to my Starbucks analogy. People thought I was crazy about self harming, and looking back it does seem crazy. It seems psycho that I felt so good about injuring myself, but I can still remember the relief it gave me. Is it scary to think of the way I got pleasure fromimages (5)  pain,that my pleasure was pain? Briefly, yes. Elaborately, yeeeeeeeeesssssss. (where is my prize for lamest joke ever? I WANT IT NOW) But what I’ve learnt is that it’s okay to evolve from pleasure to pain to plain old numb, because pain is like that, it grows and changes, and soon your experiences with it will change for the better.

9- Feeling pain doesn’t make you weak, it just makes you human. You aren’t weak for wanting relief. You aren’t weak because you feel pain that literally every other human being on the planet is feeling.

There is no point ten. Point ten is a flimsy excuse for me to give you an internet hug for reading this far. xD Image result for internet hug gif

Queertastic Is Out! (thank you for reading, if you did xD)

Thank you for reading! wanna check out more rants and weird attempts at poems and musings? My blog is open, and if you’re nice I’ll hand out cookies xD Anyways, if you’re currently struggling with depression and are feeling alone, take this free hug(click here and here and here for cute GIF s that send hugs from me to you ^^)and also a few hotlines, just in case.

Vent to an anonymous stranger- https://www.7cups.com

In case you’re feeling suicidal- http://suicide.org/

Hotlines for Depression specifically- http://addiction.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Depression_Hotlines

 

 

 

 

“Fly”- Another Attempt At Capturing Depression.

Hotlines are at the end of the post along with some hugs, take care. This is bad poetry attempt #3 trying to capture what it feels like to have Depression, where you see everyone else is flying and telling you to fly, but you look at yourself only to realize you don’t have any wings. Hope it isn’t too shit xD

They say you’re healing

But you’re just getting hurt.

They say you’re learning, but

You’re just getting burnt.

They say you’re only human and it’s okay

But they’ve got wings, you don’t.

They say “you could fly if you want to”

& you keep trying

but you don’t want to.

Living feels more like a lie when you’re me

They say to stop yourself from drowning

when you just can’t breathe.

They tell you you’re alive when you’re choking

’cause they just can’t see..

They don’t even have to try.

They’re not like me, darling they can fly.

Having faith, to me, is laced with fear

And fantasies are full of fleeting dreams

and nothing’s as it seems

they tell me I’m crazy;

I agree.

They can fly, and they can’t understand me.

Thank you for reading! wanna check out more rants and weird attempts at poems and musings? My blog is open, and if you’re nice I’ll hand outimages (5) cookies xD Anyways, if you’re currently struggling with depression and are feeling alone, take this free hug (click here and here and here for cute GIF s that send hugs from me to you ^^)and also a few hotlines, just in case.

Vent to an anonymous stranger- https://www.7cups.com

In case you’re feeling suicidal- http://suicide.org/

Hotlines for Depression specifically- http://addiction.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Depression_Hotlines

Things I Wish They Told Me About Recovery

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Trigger Warning- I’ll be discussing self harm and depression recovery in this post. If you’re easily triggered, you might want to skip to the last paragraph of this post, where I’ve got cookies, hug GIFs, and hotlines, take care! ❤ 

Well, I’ve had myself caught up in the whirlpool called recovery for quite a few months now. I’m almost six months clean now, and it feels like a bittersweet trophy to house in my head. I’ve learnt a lot, lost a lot, and overall I’m still trying to convince myself that choosing recovery was a choice that would put me on the right track. Entering the experience, though, there were so many things I was unaware of. Looking back at the person I was before recovery , (y’know, broken and sad and constantly crying and collapsing in on herself? yeah,  her. I don’t identity as much  with her anymore.)  I realize that there were so many things I had no idea about when getting into recovering. I realize how sadly misinformed I was before strapping myself in for the roller coaster that was recovery. I can’t say I look back at making the commitment to recovery with no regrets, but I will say that over time my sounds have started to slowly heal, and for that I am grateful. So, without further yippity yap (yes I just made up a word) here’s a few things I wish I knew before I started the journey to recovery.

  1. The road seems endless, and it’s so much longer than you thought. If you thought recovery road looked  impossibly long before you started the marathon, you’re in for an even nastier surprise- it’s so much longer. I thought the road to recovery was impossibly long even before I started to recover. I realized, around 5000 obstacles, trips, and turns too late, that the road is much longer than it looks. It will test you and trip you up, and you will push your limits to find that you limits push back. Does it sound scary? Well, there never was anything easy about recovery. Even the decision to recover is one that is hard to make. Recovery, especially from self harm, means that you are battling your demons head on, which is often the very thing you were running away from. It means facing up to your addiction and fighting countless battles in an attempt to win a war, all while you go on with your daily life.  The already long road is made longer by your attitude to taking on the marathon, and eventually there will come a point where even those of the strongest emotional willpower will find themselves having a shitty attitude towards recovery. I will admit, I was skeptical about my recovery as well, and my attitude towards recover made the whole thing so much more goddamn difficult. Now, I’m trying to change the way I look at recovery, and that starts with my conscious mind. While I can’t help that sometimes I dream that I didn’t throw my blades down the sink,  can control the way I consciously think about relapse and self harm. I’m really trying to be as strong as I can be, and I think I can slowly see the climb to recovery as one that’s become less torturous and more rewarding. It takes time to heal this, but now the way I’m approaching my battle is so much more helpful. If me from a year ago read this, I’d roll my eyes at myself. It took me time to realize that everyone who gave me cliched advice about recovery had a point.
  2. It’s a 24/7 commitment. I know, this is one that seems obvious, but I overlooked how much of a commitment recovery really is. (hint: it’s a huge one) To be honest, it struck me so hard that I can’t just ‘take a break’ from recovering. Whether I’m asleep, awake, crying, laughing, angry, doing nothing or being incredibly busy, I would not stop being in a state of recovery. In a way, it was like a persistent empty check box on my mental to-do list of all the shit I’ve gotta do to pull myself back together. It’s not really a check box that will just leave, either. It will always be around, and one you’ve committed to recovery you will always be recovering.  I can only imagine how obvious all of this may seem to anyone who has never had the experience, but I guess if you know what this is like you’ll understand what I’m trying to say over here. I wish somebody told me that recovery is more of a commitment than I ever thought it would be.
  3. It involves guilt, lots of it. Yep, I said it. You shouldn’t ever feel guilty for putting yourself first (self care for the win!) but that’s not the kind of guilt I’m referring to. I’m talking about the burning guilt I feel, even now, when I look back to a week ago where I had a breakdown and tried to smash the blade out of my sharpener just because I needed something to harm myself with. I also feel guilty because a week ago, I discovered that kitchen knives are much more blunt than they look. Oops. That’s right, Internet, I almost relapsed and I’m a crazy fucking psycho because I decided those sharp, big-ass kitchen knives were not as vicious as they look. I stuck around to discover how sharp they were, because I get crazy, (I am crazy sometimes) not to mention crazy guilty later. I feel so guilty typing that and admitting that I have my moments of weakness where I feel like I needed a blade to get through. I’ll always be guilty about relapse and about how somewhere deep inside my twisted brain, I wish I could still run to the safety of the blade. About how much I still think about going down the dark route. Even thinking about relapse makes me guilty, and all of a sudden things started to take a turn for the worst in ways I didn’t see coming. My boyfriend could literally kiss my scars (read a post about that here if you want a clearer picture on the relationship between kisses ad self harm scars) and I’d feel guilty. I always feel like by being weak and having my weak spots I’m doing a dis-service to the people who love me. My self harm took an emotional toll on the people that are close to me. I remember my friend telling me I was underestimating how much my relapse had impacted everyone close to me, and how my boyfriend had tears in his eyes when he realized I relapsed. All I feel looking back is burning guilt that scorches down to my soul and rubs it raw. Even now, it makes me feel selfish. I couldn’t even be strong enough to resist relapse. I was selfish enough to disregard the emotional cost my relapse would entail, one that would have to be payed by people who loved me and cared about me. People were getting hurt by being close to me, all because I couldn’t control myself. That’s the kind of guilt that came with recovery, and it felt and still feels pretty bad. Nobody warned me about the guilt that came with having a support system. I’m so incredibly lucky to have a amazing support system with amazing people, and honestly I couldn’t have imagined that they’d be a source of guilt. That being said, if you learn to handle that guilt properly it can actually be quit useful– some people would possibly let the guilt break them down, and it’s easy to see how that could happen, or at the very least let the guilt bruise them, or cause their beings to collapse. When the guilt came flooding in, it wrecked my walls. It’s easy when you’re in the vulnerable state of recovery, to just let the guilt drown you. With me however (while I won’t pretend that I didn’t have weak moments) I somehow learnt to use the guilt to motivate me, because I knew the guilt came from a good place. I wanted to get better, and I was guilty because I couldn’t. I slowly learned to be patient with myself ad to not feel guilty for making such slow progress. Rememberforward is forward. We all have our own pace, you should never feel guilty for not being able to scale a mountain in one day, sometimes molehills are huge enough to climb as it is. Believe me, I know. ❤
  4. You will have emotional ‘explosions’. More than you thought you would. Seriously, the amount of emotional explosions I’ve had were shocking to me. I’d find myself crying for very small things, like an argument with my mom which I would’ve otherwise been indifferent to. My explanation for this was that the bigger things had been building up so much, and I had to vent out my anger and frustration through the smaller things. The smaller things began knocking me down because I was privately fighting a much bigger battle, silently trying to fight a raging fire inside of me. As a result, there were a few weeks where I’d just get super emotional over everything simply because I was mentally begging for release, the kind of release I used to get from self harm. The midnight crying sessions were exhausting and lonely. I felt like a freak for constantly exploding, as though I  couldn’t keep anything in if I tired. While I’ve been recovering, I’ve been predictably vulnerable. Like a feather, I felt as though the slightest emotional wind was enough to knock me down. I’m slowly trying to get over this. To stop over analyzing, start getting stronger and coping with things healthily. It will be tough (Rome wasn’t built in a day!) but  guess what? I’ve learnt that recovery is about gradually regaining that emotional strength so that you’ll stop needing to turn to  the blade every time you want some validation. You’ve got to learn to be patient with yourself. Let yourself cry over stupid things, let yourself get emotional.. Give yourself time to feel things and go through the emotions, because this is recovery and you will make it eventually, just be patient and know that these times won’t last. So, to anyone who’s new to the whole recovery thing- expect some outbursts. They don’t make you weak, I promise. They just make you human.

For me, the hardest part of recovery is needing to find a different coping mechanism apart from self harm whenever I’m emotionally overwhelmed and feeling low. Y’know, for those nights you have where you just can’t take it anymore? Yeah, those. I found it so tough to cope with those in a more.. well, healthy manner. (anyone who’s experienced depression will know what I’m talking about, it’s pretty brutal and emotionally intense). When I’m overcome by these emotions in this manner (click here to check out a post I wrote on how it’s like at night for a person with depression if you want a clearer picture) it’s hard not to turn to my blades as a solution. It is hard to slap myself in the face with cold, hard, reality, and tell myself to stop thinking those thoughts.

While recovery is undeniably scary, here’s the last thing I wish somebody told me about recovery…

6. It’s 100% worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

That’s right, you’re 100% worth the ride to recovery, and it may seem scary (I apologize if I’m making it sound super scary) but it is a step towards a better life for you. Recovery’s  a challenge that I know you can face and you will kick ass at it eventually. Will you slip up a few times? Yes. Take a few wrong turns? Yes. You’ll make mistakes and learn while you recover, and sometimes it’ll feel more like a punishment than like healing, but it’s something that will make you a much better person in the end. You will be stronger, happier, healthier, and you’re going to look in the mirror and finally like what’s looking back at you. You’ve got to hurt in order to heal, and recovery is allowing yourself to acknowledge the negativity and deal with it in a way that leaves you stronger. You’re amazing, and you can recover. We can images (2)recover.

Thank you for reading! wanna check out more rants and weird attempts at poems and musings? My blog is open, and if you’re nice I’ll hand out cookies xD Anyways, if you’re currently struggling with depression and are feeling alone, take this free hug (click here and here and here for cute GIF s that send hugs from me to you ^^) and also a few hotlines, just in case.

Vent to an anonymous stranger- https://www.7cups.com

In case you’re feeling suicidal- http://suicide.org/

Hotlines for Depression specifically- http://addiction.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Depression_Hotlines

Depression Is Not A One Night Stand.

sad-depressed-quote-quotes-Favim.com-1999364trigger warning- this is a descriptive about nights with depression. If you are easily triggered, you may want to not read this, and if you are currently feeling extra low, maybe skip to the last paragraph where I’ve inserted cookies, hugs, and hotlines. Take care.<3

I remember the initial butterfly kisses that the shadows left, almost daintily, on my fragile shoulders the first few nights. The coaxing voice of my Depression, lurking somewhere in the big, vast  howling tavern of nothing. I can vaguely remember my attempts to run away from the twistedly alluring call of Depression. I remember the night it let itself into my mind, where I began what I thought was a one night stand- only to realize my Depression would follow me around like an uncontrollable plague.

Since then, I’ve had countless different types of nights. Some nights, I get the grace of sleep. Where my emotions of sadness are so overwhelming that my mind gets tired. These are the nights where I don’t sleep feeling safe or happy, but I sleep with the want to escape, shut myself down. These are the nights where I feel like my body is trying to hibernate, only to realize in the morning that it has not stopped resisting, it has not stopped its foolish insistence on fiercely continuing to exist. These are the nights that I recall like static, grey and insignificant as they orchestrate my painfully indifferent attitude to my own life. Then, there are the nights where the burdens on my shoulders weigh down on me like boulders, where my demons emerge out of the shadows, almost flirtatiously torturing my self-image. As though they are teasing me, they languidly float across the shadows, in and out of my mind, leaving a trail of sadness as they go. As the night passes, the demons get more and more excited, until they can’t stop exploring the deepest darkest corners of my mind. Suddenly, their trails of numbing sadness are replaced with something much more horrifying- fear. Coming out from the corners of my mind that I had been running away from. Fear of failing, fear of falling, fear that all good things will end. Every lie I’ve ever told, every lie that’s ever been told about me, every single mistake I’ve ever made, and every word I’ve ever spoken that’s come out wrong and misunderstood. Every single time I failed. The fear only worsens as it becomes pure and unadulterated, and I flood with these thoughts, these mistakes, these unanswered questions. I see Depression’s lips curled up into a smile. I know I should be stronger on these nights, but that simply isn’t something I can do. I know that on these nights I should try and look at all the times I’ve flown instead of fallen, but on these nights it seems as though I can only think the thoughts that Depression wants me to think. I can’t control the negativity, the emotions of hate and anger and unfounded resentment. Looking back on these horrible nights, I hate myself for not being stronger. For not being able to fight against my own thoughts.  The war in my mind is almost pathetic. But I can’t just be positive, and trust me I want to. I, more than anyone else, want to escape this hell I have created for myself, but it does not work that way, and it’s nights like these that remind me of that cruel reality.

There are the nights which I remember as a lucid buzz. They are faded and dusty, of no value or importance. I do not sleep on these nights, but you would hardly call the state I’m in awake. I’m simply there, and here’s one thing they won’t ever tell you about Depression- not only is it not a one night stand, it’s also overwhelmingly boring. Sometimes it is not in the mood for a passionate attack on your soul. Sometimes, it is simply in the mood to lurk around in the corner in a way that establishes its presence in a way that is specifically intrusive in a way that will bring you to your knees- it will not scream, but at the mere whisper of Depression, your mind will bend itself over and twist itself around as commanded. These nights are the ones where you are bored as fuck, but also alone and heavy. And what is your malicious lover, Depression, doing? It’s right there in the corner of your conscience, watching, but not speaking, because it does not want to intrude on the symphony of your misery that it so carefully commanded. The silence buzzes and hums in a monotone, and the numbness will stab in the most painful way possible. Your urge to get up, do something, anything, will be met with resistance from your mind and body. There won’t be any hysterical sobbing, because that’s hardly torture. There will be the choked up feeling of waiting to scream but not being able to. The feeling of watching yourself sink into grey and not being able to swim. You are drowning, and your gasps for air are somehow invisible. Perhaps everyone who is watching sees your desperate gasps for air as an exhale. Depression whispers a slightly different hypothesis- they see you, but they don’t care. These are the nights you have with Depression. A continual, misleading one night stand that has overstayed its welcome. Most nights are a mix of these, or just one exaggerated version of these. Depression isn’t a one night stand.

Thank you for reading! wanna check out more rants and weird attempts at poems and musings? My blog is open, and if you’re nice I’ll hand out cookies xD Anyways, if you’re currently struggling with depression and are feeling alone, take this free hug (click here and here and here for cute GIF s that send hugs from me to you ^^) and also a few hotlines, just in case.

Vent to an anonymous stranger- https://www.7cups.com

In case you’re feeling suicidal- http://suicide.org/

Hotlines for Depression specifically- http://addiction.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Depression_Hotlines