i’m doing what i do normally when I’m alone in a crowded room. I really don’t feel like i can talk to anyone, and so sitting here alone in this corner just typing… well, suffice it to say I feel aggressively uncool. Great, now that I’ve described this situation, I feel inclined to explain myself. Here we go.
Unless I’m around friends or doing something stupid, I’m usually quite the social downer. Not really a party animal. I’d much rather just sit on my laptop and look busy (well, I am busy. Writing about your feelings on the internet is important, y’know). I know this sounds really lame (and yes, I did just admit to using my laptop as a social crutch) but what can I say, that’s just the truth. People are either laughing at something stupid/awkward that I’ve said or done, or they’re just ignoring me. I’m fine with that, I guess. Just glue your eyes to a screen until your only social interactions are forced, awkward, or mumble-y.
I think lately my outlook on social interactions has been rather pessimistic, and you really cannot blame me for it. My social decision making skills? zero, and you really don’t want to see me trying to be funny. Now, before I go any further, I want to make this clear- this isn’t some “relatable” topic or whatever. I’m not trying to emulate some angsty tumblr post about how I just hate people and social interactions. In fact, if anything, I hope you guys can’t relate to these posts. I mean, this isn’t a good thing at all. Let me make this situation clear: I will call a day a success if I haven’t had to awkwardly hide in the bathroom to avoid people. That’s something I do, a lot. I will also call the day a success if nobody has asked me why I look so sad/angry/bored all the time. It’s just, I sometimes get this feeling, like this actual physiological reaction to any social situation where I feel uncomfortable, and yeah, it sucks and it frustrates me but more than anything else it’s just annoying. Nobody should want this. I don’t want it, and I actually wish I was more socially capable. So no, this isn’t meant to be ‘relatable’ at all.
For example, right now. I’m sitting alone in English class and randomly typing, and my chest feels heavy like someone is repeatedly punching it. Am i going to go get up and talk to someone? no, because I’m too anxious and feel too awful to do it. it annoys me because this is a very mundane and normal social situation and yet I’m having such a strong reaction to it. A strong physiological reaction that I cannot control. It feels really bad, but on the surface level it’s FUCKING ANNOYING. Like, I look so calm right now as I’m typing, but inside I’m a frantic mess. I feel alone, and stupid, and just like I want to fade into the walls. And this happens in short bursts several times a day, so I’ll go from feeling this anxious feeling to feeling like a loud happy go lucky person several times a day. Since when did everyday have to become a literal emotional roller coaster? This is inconvenient. I just don’t like that sinking feeling that I get and can’t control.
Every time my chest starts sinking, leaving my feeling like I’m being plunged into an abyss, all I can think is “oh no”. Thanks, social situations. I now genuinely am scared of you, because holy shit I’ll never know when a social situation will plunge me into temporary despair. Just the other day, I was having a conversation with my teacher about an experiment that I’m supposed to conduct, and suddenly BAM i feel the sinking feeling and suddenly just don’t want to talk anymore. He was asking me a question, and I was just silent for a while because I was too consumed with ‘the feeling’ to figure out that he had asked me a question. It was the worst. I think it’s just hard knowing that at any point in the day, you might feel as though a car has slammed into your chest. And that once you’re into this episode, you’ll be socially unwilling and dysfunctional for at least twenty minutes. It just scares me.
And it’s not just affecting me, I think my friends are finally catching on to me too. I was acting super withdrawn once, and during that specific hour, I had to have a Skype call for schoolwork, another Skype with a friend just cause I didn’t want to seem antisocial, (but she’s awesome, I love her and this was one call I literally felt so easy about interaction) and like five different papers to write. So I had to do all of this with “the feeling”. The anxious feeling. It was just so inconvenient, and I resented not being able to control it. The result? I couldn’t keep it in, a even though I thought I was doing a good job of it, I wound up acting like a moody bitch and everyone noticed. At least, most of my online friends noticed, and I felt really bad. I don’t want to be the moody one, I want to be the happy ray of sunshine! I just cannot control this, and the fact that now it’s causing mood spillovers is upsetting. Sure, feeling uncontrollably awful inside at various unpredictable intervals is already bad enough, but when what you feel inside spills out into the outside, that’s when things just suck.
If you’re still here, you’re probably wondering: what does this crazy girl even do when presented with a social interaction? Well, I’ll either be so silent and unresponsive that things get awkward, or I’ll overcompensate by talking too much, which is when things.. also.. get awkward. Yeah, there’s only one possible ending. Except that it’s not cute, awkward, and ‘relatable’ anymore when you feel as though a car could be slamming into your chest at any given point. I bet so many people think I’m unimpressed with them or hate them, but I’m actually just a scared loser. There’s many people who laugh at me (not in a mean way) when I do something awkward. It’s a thing that people find endearing, if you can believe that. It just makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. Or fade into a wall. Or both at the same time.
So what have I done about this? I’ll tell you. I’ve done what a stupid person would do, which is I haven’t talked about it with anyone, (because I literally hate talking about it. I hate even thinking about it) I haven’t tried being positive about it since I can’t control it, I haven’t even googled it, so essentially, all I’m doing is waiting. Waiting for what? I don’t know, maybe I’m waiting for these emotional oscillations to slow down so I can feel functional again. It’s one thing to appear functional, but until I feel functional again I really am not gonna accept a “case closed” on this crisis. All I’ve done is cry while watching old favorite movies (Almost Famous, anyone?) and listen to really emo favorites. Oh, and Elton John. There’s been a lot of Elton John and denial. I guess at this point, waiting is the best I can do because this is uncharted territory.
Don’t get me wrong, though. It’s not like I’m not trying to be happy or anything. I really am trying my hardest, I want to be happy more than anything else. Being an emotional mess is awful, nobody would ever want that. Even when I get ‘the feeling’, I try my hardest to remind myself that it’s temporary, but I can’t think the feeling away. I know half of the battle is mental, and so I keep a journal and keep track of what I’m grateful for. I tell the people that I love how much I appreciate them. I make a point of patting myself on the back for achievements. I try to not mope around and be unproductive. I’m trying to control whatever I can, but I can’t control these.. erm.. episodes, if you will. I can’t mentally think away a physical phenomenon, I wish I could, and I still try to but so far it hasn’t been working. I suppose talking to someone would be ideal, but I really don’t want to. People I don’t even know that well have asked me if I’m okay, why I look sad, and I’m able to fake happy. Even with my closest friends, I’d never want to talk about this. I just can’t. I don’t want to. Even if it makes me feel shitty.
So yeah, rant over. I should probably search Google, but the words ‘anxiety’ and ‘depression’ will come up, and I’m really not one for self-diagnosis. I’m quite sure I have neither of those things, and I know that Google won’t be able to understand me. I don’t even understand me. Oh well, maybe some fellow emotional oscillators are out there to sympathize with me, hmm?