change, come faster

Hey guys (more like hello to the two people reading this), so I’ll be honest.. I haven’t really been doing the greatest.

I know my last post was all optimistic and sunny, and I mean don’t get me wrong- I still want the same things for myself. It’s just that I’m hopelessly confused. I’m confused, because really all I want is to walk down a path that I’m happy with. I’m confused with what I want to become when I grow up, I’m confused about how to be happy, I’m confused if the advice “do what makes you happy” is meant to taunt me, someone who has no idea what will make her happy.

Time for more honesty. I’ve been crying, more than I’d like to admit. I wish I could say that it’s okay to cry or i’ll get over it, don’t worry about me, but frankly when you consider the circumstances, it would be almost irresponsible for me to say those things. I’ve been crying just so much. I know this might be just a me thing, but I hate crying, because it just emphasizes the lack of closure and control involved in the situation. Of course, the occasionally crying is fine and sometimes healthy (and no, crying because you read TFIOS does not count for the type of crying I’m talking about.. you know what I mean). It’s just that crying yourself to sleep every night for three consecutive nights for the same exact reason is not healthy.  Being unable to tear yourself away from constant fear and doubt is unhealthy. Constantly asking yourself the same questions is not healthy. Randomly crying at various points of the day just thinking about the future- that cannot be healthy.

I seriously cannot even begin to explain the devastation that not knowing where I’ll be in a little over a year has caused. It all has, for some reason, dawned on me: I’m leaving high school, I have no fucking idea what I want to do when I grow up, and all I’ve been able to think for these past few days is “I’ve never been less happy”

I’ve never been less happy.

I need plans, I need structure. I want a map of my life in front of me and I want me from ten years later to reassure me, to tell me that all my worries are just a passing phase, and that yes, you will be happy with what you want to do. This all started with two sentences, actually. The first was when someone I really admire said “as long as you love what you’re doing, you will be alright” and the second, from the same person, was from right after that person dropped out of college where the person was reflecting and said “this is the most fun I’ve ever had”. Those words stuck with me, and in the middle of pathetic sobbing, I kept thinking that happiness is the endgame. (Also, side note, I’m keeping the person I admire very anonymous for now even though this person is very well known, cause I just want to, kay? :p ) I kept thinking, I want that. I want to make people smile the way this person has made countless people smile. I want to be able to say, without hesitation ‘this is the most fun I’ve ever had’. I’m sixteen. Depending on how you think, you either think I’m too young to fret over my future or far too late to the “help i don’t know what I want to do with my life” party.

I just feel like I need to know what to do with the rest of my life. I feel like I need to figure out what makes me happy and then immediately start hacking away at it so I can do what I love for the rest of my life. I’m very uncomfortable with not knowing what I want. And I guess you could say… it’s making me the least happy I’ve ever been, in a long time.

I know this is not forever, but I also know that any epiphanies that I come to right now will possibly affect the rest of my life.

so yeah. that happened.

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i am not done changing

hello there, internet. Things have been weird lately, but here I am, in the flesh. Of course, my life has been hectic. Up and down, left and right, in and out, all over the place. I think what I’m slowly learning is that eventually you have to stop chasing happiness in other people and start looking for it and creating it within yourself. So, that’s what I’m going to do. After finally understanding how flurried up my priorities have been lately, I’ve decided once and for all that enough is enough. Not going to waste any more time looking for happiness anywhere but in myself.

I am in the process of growing, and am not going to stall this process of growing for people who are going to be inconsequential to me in a couple more years. And so, recognizing that I have my whole life ahead of me, i am going to be happy. The context: I have been smitten over something that I now realize is both stupid and also just unreachable.

I’m going to take better care of me. I’m going to work towards my goals and  my happiness. because if this is my last year of high school, I’m remembering it as the year where I achieved things. The year where I was happy. The year where I was filled with good memories, with good things only. With happiness, with determination, with something that I can only just describe as the right mixture of headstrong and hardworking. Nobody should ever dwell on a person. A person. That’s just not how it should go. No more messed up priorities. NO MORE, I TELL YOU. I’m just going to be me, and have fun, and focus on what will be the best for me. No distractions, no distractions.

There. That was my very vague declaration of positivity. I’m going to come back to read this again whenever I feel like I need a kick up the arse, but here’s my promise to myself- I am not done changing. So much more change is to come these next few years, and I’m up for that challenge. Throw it at me, I’m ready. I’m going to be proud of myself, eventually. And I will do whatever it takes to get there. I’m going to work, I’m going to laugh, I’m going to smile, I’m going to take care of myself.

I will sort myself out.