Lately, my posts have been really pointless apart from like this one poem that I actually put a lot of thought into. The thing about writing is that ranging from a dime a dozen rant on romance to a deep and unique elegant piece, the relief of airing your feelings is a constant. Oh gosh, now I’m thinking about Chemistry and Math and literally any other subject where you need to learn about constants (Y’know, pi, Planck’s constant, the works) Anyways, ON TO THE POST.
So, I’ve always had a rather multi faceted relationship with pain. I mean, don’t we all? It’s just part of being human, or at least it is in my books. Be it physical pain, emotional pain, the kind of numb pain, the emotional pain that hurts you physically, the pain that seems determined to make you an insomniac… I’ve intentionally caused myself pain, (there’s like, a whole category of my blog dedicated to self harm and for the most part self harm recovery that you can check out here ❤ TRIGGER WARNING THO. Take care of yourself :)) I’ve been rushed into a hospital at 2 AM with cramps equivalent to labor pain (no, I’ve never been knocked up xD) and I’ve felt the pain of being unable to accept myself (again, there’s a whole blog section on me whining about and at the same time celebrating my sexuality which you can find here) and the pain of being kept awake with heartbreak and feelings of worthlessness. And yet, I’d feel like a snob if I called myself an expert on pain because I could’ve had all these things be ten times worse. Here are some thoughts I’ve cultured in my mind when it comes to pain, and though these are based on my experiences I sure do hope they make sense to anyone else reading this.
1- Wanting to cause yourself pain doesn’t make it hurt any less. Let’s be honest with ourselves in saying that wanting pain doesn’t make the pain you put yourself through any less painful. (hey, fun drinking game- take a shot every time I use the word pain). You can want nothing more to than to slide razors across your skin, again and again, day in and day out. It could be the core of your wants, but at the end of the day, the only thing wanting pain can create in the long term is, you guessed it, more pain. And that short burst of relief you feel from the pain you just created for yourself? Yeah, that’s not going to take you to the finish line. Wanting to put yourself through pain and following through with self destruction is the emotional (and sometimes physical) equivalent of taking one step forward and immediately taking two steps back. Y’know what, scratch that, because it’s more like taking two hundred steps back. While I’m mostly citing self arm, this could literally go for any emotional problem. I’ve been both physically and emotionally self destructive and the two can and do go hand in hand.
2- If you need pain, there’s a problem, and it’s a HUGE one. I know this should go without saying, but you’d be surprised at how many people I’ve had to convince. I’ve been a volunteer Listener at 7 Cups of Tea and more often than not I’ve had to convince self destructive and suicidal people that their need for pain is a huge problem with massive and catastrophic cause-effect relationships.
3- Physical pain and emotional pain are both completely unlike each other and yet extraordinarily comparable. While I think this one is fairly self explanatory, I’ll leave y’all with this thought- both physical and emotional pain have caused me endless nights with little to no relief. With the physical pain, I got to a hospital and got fixed. With the emotional pain I needed to have midnight talks till I convinced myself that I was fixed enough to go to sleep. Both the pains were fixable and unfixable at the same time. The physical pain left me being afraid to go to sleep every night, afraid of waking up to that same horrible unforgettable pain. The same goes for the emotional pain- I’m always running away from it.
4- All pain will warp your concept of “forever”. This point is probably one point that I find really important from all the others on this list. Pain makes you forget all past and future and leaves you with only the horrible present to focus on. The wrenching in your gut and the hot tears down your throat will make you forget that all emotions are temporary. I remember being convinced that my pain would never end, and once I was convinced that there was no escape, I’d make myself feel helpless and powerless. I would create my own despair because pain put me in a time warp.
5- Only you hold the key to destroying the pain that you create for yourself ❤ This point is, again, self explanatory. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. I’m not comparing all my lovely readers (do I even have readers) to horses, you’re all lovely unicorns, but you guys get it don’t you? They say you can’t keep a person alive once they’ve lost the will to live, and I completely agree with that. I think this goes mostly for emotional pain, and I know that whoever you are, you can totally get through whatever pain you’re facing 🙂
6- Pain is relative. This picture is basically all the 1000 words I wanted to say. What’s poison to you is Starbucks to a white girl (haha, aren’t stereotypes funny?)
7- Pain may/may not consist of a series of choices. This one’s kinda difficult to put into words, but I’m Queertastic. These are the feelings I will spend my entire life trying to capture. The thing about pain is that it consists of limits. We may/may not create this limits. When we push limits, they push back, and sometimes we’re left on the floor, breathless, and pretty goddamn screwed over. It’s just the way life works. You made a choice to push your limits, and now you’re in pain. Does that make pushing your limits a mistake? Not necessarily. That’s just something to think about. Conversely, as said by John Green, “You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world…but you do have some say in who hurts you”, and I think he’s right. We’re all going to feel pain at some point, so looking at it that way feeling pain is not a choice, it’s uncontrollable. It’s an unfortunate (or fortunate) side effect of being human. Whether or not you control your pain or just let it crumble through your fingers is something you have at least the tiniest bit of control over.
8- One person’s pleasure is another person’s pain. I think for this one I can point you back to my Starbucks analogy. People thought I was crazy about self harming, and looking back it does seem crazy. It seems psycho that I felt so good about injuring myself, but I can still remember the relief it gave me. Is it scary to think of the way I got pleasure from pain,that my pleasure was pain? Briefly, yes. Elaborately, yeeeeeeeeesssssss. (where is my prize for lamest joke ever? I WANT IT NOW) But what I’ve learnt is that it’s okay to evolve from pleasure to pain to plain old numb, because pain is like that, it grows and changes, and soon your experiences with it will change for the better.
9- Feeling pain doesn’t make you weak, it just makes you human. You aren’t weak for wanting relief. You aren’t weak because you feel pain that literally every other human being on the planet is feeling.
There is no point ten. Point ten is a flimsy excuse for me to give you an internet hug for reading this far. xD
Queertastic Is Out! (thank you for reading, if you did xD)
Thank you for reading! wanna check out more rants and weird attempts at poems and musings? My blog is open, and if you’re nice I’ll hand out cookies xD Anyways, if you’re currently struggling with depression and are feeling alone, take this free hug(click here and here and here for cute GIF s that send hugs from me to you ^^)and also a few hotlines, just in case.
Vent to an anonymous stranger- https://www.7cups.com
In case you’re feeling suicidal- http://suicide.org/
Hotlines for Depression specifically- http://addiction.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Depression_Hotlines