Background information- I’ve been thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend, and this is my letter to him. Things that I would want him to know if i do end up breaking up with him. A letter that he will never read, but a letter that I had to write to get this all off my chest. P.S, my title was inspired by Troye Sivan’s “Lost Boy”. Gotta give credits where credits are due. Hotlines and cookies are at the end of this post, take care ❤
Dear Ex, (well, you’ll be my ex soon if I can find the courage)
You’re probably reading this with a broken heart, and I’m sorry. If only you could know how much it has hurt me to have to hurt you, you’d realize that this is for the best. I don’t hate you, I didn’t want to hurt you and I feel like a monster for hurting you, but this was inevitable. Did you really not see this coming? Because I did. Remember when I told you we were just stupid teenagers, and that we were going to grow up and laugh at ourselves? I remember, because you put your arm around me and told me you’d love to laugh with me. Honestly, I didn’t ever know where we were going, where I wanted us to go. I’m heartbroken too, and I miss you, but I regret to say that I feel this overwhelming relief. It’s over. The lightness that comes with the lead that pumps through my veins, the sadness, it’s undeniable. I’m sad, yes, but I’m relieved. Sadness is an emotion that will heal, happiness is under your control but I feel like being relieved isn’t. Emotional relief, for me, has so far only been a direct consequence of my actions. My emotions are the very definition of a contradiction, and the pain I feel from missing you was the very pain we’ve both been running from all along.
The truth is, this relationship wasn’t the one you deserved. We aren’t right for each other anymore, and the magic has faded out.. At least for me it has. The intransigent guilt I feel knowing everyday that you love me is endless. I know, you love me, you probably still love me after this, and I’m sorry. Because I don’t love you, and I simply can’t love you the way you want me to. I can’t love you the way you want me to, and I feel like I’ve been leading you on by loving you in the incomplete way that I have. Like this breakup is a betrayal. I know we promised to be there for each other and we promised to always be around, but it’s getting exhausting and I’m tired. Tired of keeping secrets, tired of defending you when really the only one I was trying to defend was myself, for staying with you. Even after all the red flags. Yes, you loved me, and in you I see a beautiful person, but my parents hated you. My friends warned me against you. You were like a warning sign, the way you never held the doors open or always got jealous or got angry like a broken fuse. You are your own type of person, and maybe your type of personality drew me in more than I cared to admit. The danger, the secret soft side, the rebellion of it all. Some people like that, for some people it works, but it’s got me weak. You’re leaving soon, and I know that I can’t handle a long distance relationship with you. I just don’t want to, I don’t think we could work and I’d be saving us both the heart break. I am going to regret this, but in the long term it will free me.
I’m going to regret it when you resent me. When I stop being the one you put your arm around. When I ask you if we can still be friends, and all I get from you is silence screaming back at me. Of course, I love you, and that’s the confusing part. I need to be responsible and I need to save myself some pain, but I can’t imagine not having you because I’ve had you for so long, and losing you seems so scary. It also seems unbelievably free. But that sad freedom comes with thee cost of breaking your heart, making you hate me. You’re a friend, I can’t get you to hate me, but I can’t stay tangled in this web of emotions any longer. It’s toxic, can’t you see that? I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that this relationship was only attractive because of the danger, the rebellious taste, the rush that came with all the lies until I forgot what truth felt like. It would be unfair of me to blame all of this on you, though. I can’t do that at all. I got into this and I loved it, at first. I loved you, and I loved your company and I just wanted to be wrapped up in you forever. That’s what I told you, and at the time (even though you might find this hard to believe) I meant it. I really thought you were right for me, and the only one who could actually complete me. Looking back, I can safely assume I was wrong. Turns out “forever” is a relative term, sadly. My thoughtless ‘forever’ is going to come back to possibly break your heart and my conscience a few times, and it will hurt me so much to know that I’ve hurt you. I’m saying that from the bottom of my heart. I feel like I’ve been leading you on, which is a hard thing to feel. But I guess weighing our sadnesses against each other isn’t the best way to go about this, I’d be here forever trying to justify my actions. Gosh, I hope you don’t cry. I’m not sure which would be more painful- if you were really sad, or really angry. Either way, I’d feel like human dirt.
It is going to take courage to breakup with you, but it will take endurance to stay with you. Breaking up with you will take that kind of twisted bravery that I’ve never had. I’m kidding myself if I think that this breakup will fix me, it won’t. But I can imagine myself moving on and being happier, less frustrated. Maybe we were the perfect couple, but our timing was just too off for anything to happen, and we both know that. You deserve better than someone who will string you on endlessly because she’s too scared to lose you. You deserve somebody who can love you the way you want love, full and complete. I can’t give you what you need and you deserve better. We won’t work out and we both deserve better than spending our time trying to keep this relationship alive. I’ll never be sure whether or not loving you was a mistake, but I can’t say I don’t regret it. I do, deeply. It was fun to get the short rushes of dopamine highs, but after a while the relationship was too exhausting to bear. The words, ‘we need to break up’ may have seemed cold to you at the time, but they were necessary.
I hope you understand, I need you to. Somebody could love you better, Someone could love you more, please realize that I was never the one.
GAH GUYS breaking up with him will take so much courage but I need to do it.
Thank you for reading! wanna check out more rants and weird attempts at poems and musings? My blog is open, and if you’re nice I’ll hand out cookies xD Anyways, if you’re currently struggling with depression and are feeling alone, take this free hug (click here and here and here for cute GIF s that send hugs from me to you ^^)and also a few hotlines, just in case.
Vent to an anonymous stranger- https://www.7cups.com
In case you’re feeling suicidal- http://suicide.org/
Hotlines for Depression specifically- http://addiction.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Depression_Hotlines