Do I Bend, Or Do I Break?

~just in case you need them, there are emergency hotlines at the end of this post, take care.~

The title of this post is probably extremely cryptic, just like my other posts. Because I’m Queertastic, which means I’m overly emotional, loud, a feed spammer, and someone who just can’t keep their thoughts to themselves, even if they try. Well, I’ve been contemplating over whether or not I should break up with my wonderfully twisted boyfriend, or whether I should just adjust, and get this to work. Background information– he’s moving to UK in a few months, I think he’s got a double personality, (read about that over here, the situation is more messed up than you’d think lol) and my friends and parents don’t approve of him, to put it in a polite way, i.e. they think he’s an asshole and don’t know what I see in him and why I’m with him. Hey, I can’t help being in love, can I? I usually come to this blog when I need to hear myself, sit with my thoughts, take my own advice. So, be prepared for a rant.  A huge rant that will likely get emotional. Ready for a stereo-typically whiny 15 year old teenager’s blog post? Yeah, me neither. Let’s do this, Internet.

I’ve been thinking about breaking up with him for a disproportionately long time now, which should possibly be my first red flag, right? He’s leaving, and while I want to believe that he’s The One, I think I know what I really am, and that’s a clueless and infatuated teenager. I’m not stupid enough to be oblivious of the cold, hard, facts. But I am, however, idiotic enough to be in an almost insane denial about it. I want him to be the one so badly it hurts. I want him, because I love him, and I can’t accept that there would be anyone who’d ever love me like him. That there won’t be anyone I’ll love as much as him.  I’m afraid I’ll never find anyone else, and it’s terrifying even to contemplate being without him after over a year of being with him. I can’t imagine not having anyone to tell me they love me, not having anyone to tell me I’m beautiful, not having anyone to make out with whenever I want. Yes, that’s one of my lame reasons for not wanting to leave him. There’s another reason I don’t want to leave him- one that sort of hurts my ego to admit, but here goes. I love him and I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt myself either. It will already be a blow to be without him. He’s not just my boyfriend, he’s my super amazing friend. There’s no way I’ll salvage the friendship if we break up. It’ll be a double blow because I will be hurting him. When he’s hurt, I’m hurt. That’s how love works, right? at least, that’s how it works with me. Because ouch, I don’t want to see him sad. I don’t want to see him sad because of me. Mostly, it’s because I want this to work. I love him, shouldn’t that be enough? I despise having to overthink things, y’know? It feels wrong to overthink my emotions, but hey, if I didn’t overthink I wouldn’t have this blog xD I don’t want him to leave and I don’t want him to leave on my account. I can’t hurt him, I can’t leave him, and this decision will hurt me. That’s my most selfish reason to stay in this relationship- it will break me. I don’t want to put myself through the turmoil of moving on, letting go, forgiving and forgetting. I don’t want to have lonely nights, I don’t want to not have any arms to run to whenever I can. I don’t want to have nobody to hold me when I’m down. I don’t want to dismiss the forehead kisses which make me weak in the knees. Gosh, I just don’t want to, and most of the reasons why I don’t want to are selfish. I’m sorry.

That being said, sometimes I think it’s best. He’s leaving, far far away. We’re going to try and keep the relationship, but, as I said before, I don’t think he’s the one. And if he isn’t the one, it’s going to end eventually. To me, it’s a logical conclusion that it will hurt less to break up now than to drag it out. I don’t want to wait until things go incredibly wrong and I have to violently disentangle myself from the fully fledged emotional hurricane. Maybe I should stop this while it’s still a thunderstorm, if you get what I mean. All my friends hate him, and he’s apparently a total bully when he’s not around me. When they describe his personality when he’s not around me, I don’t recognize the guy I fell in love with. To me, that’s a major problem that I’ve been ignoring. This relationship, and the main dynamics behind this relationship are some of the ones which bother me and effect me the most. I am most bothered by all the lying that goes behind this relationship. On one level, I feel as though I shouldn’t have to lie to be with him, I mean, it’s love, right? On a wholly different level, I think that there’s meaning behind the proverbs “if you don’t want anyone to find out you did it, don’t do it” and “if you have to hide it, you shouldn’t be doing it”. Who should I be trusting more, the people I’ve known for ages, or him? One side of me says: this is blinding love, don’t be stupid. The more whimsical side (which is starting to create some real problems for me) charmingly whispers: it’s love, you’re supposed to be blinded. Honestly, I think I’m being blinded ’cause this is my first time falling in love (here’s an embarrassing rant on it). I hate having to lie to my parents about my relationship, it makes me feel like I’m a bad daughter, and that is a clear indication that the relationship is having major negative emotional effects on me. Sure, he’s around to silence the screaming and screeching guilt, and he’s always there to but a band-aid on my insecurity about being a horrible daughter, (think about it- ex self harmer in recovery, too egoistic to apologize, bisexual, secretly dating, I’m every parent’s nightmare and they deserve less of a train wreck) but he’s kind of the reason why I feel like I’m a bad daughter. Total conflict of interests here… it sucks. I feel like I’m putting a permanent relationship on the line, the one with my parents, for one which I’m almost 100% sure is going to end at some point, if not in the immediate future. I guess to an outside the answer seems more logical, but to me breaking up would be harder than anything I’ve ever done.

To be honest, I don’t think I would beak up with him, even if it’s the better course. I love him, and I’d like to believe he’s an awesome person and a wonderful guy, but as one of my friends said “you’re in love with a side of him that’s dead to everyone else. He’s a douche bag to everyone, but you.” I’ll admit its slightly selfish to hold onto him simply because I need him, but I do. It’s slightly insane to hold on because in my wildest dreams, it’s him that I want to be with for a long time. I know it might be the first-love euphoria, but I can’t help it. Maybe I should be stronger, and take a temporary blow for a potentially happier future. Maybe I don’t realize that he’s bad for me and I can’t see it because I can’t imagine a life without him loving him. It’s because I love being loved and I can’t stop loving him, at least it feels like that. It feels like I’ll never move on, but I’m being foolishly blind to the fact that it’s going to end and I’m going to have to move on at some point.

tl;dr – I don’t know whether I should bend with our relationship, or break it. I’m undecided.

Thank you for reading! wanna check out more rants and weird attempts at poems and musings? My blog is open, and if you’re nice I’ll hand out cookies xD Anyways, if you’re currently struggling with depression and are feeling alone, take this free hug (click here and here and here for cute GIF s that send hugs from me to you ^^) and also a few hotlines, just in case.

Vent to an anonymous stranger- https://www.7cups.com

In case you’re feeling suicidal- http://suicide.org/

Hotlines for Depression specifically- http://addiction.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Depression_Hotlines

 

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3 comments

  1. Lira · April 11, 2016

    It’s really nice to see that you added these hotlines. I always read your stuff, so you have a loyal fellow blogger. I’d like some cookies, though.

    Liked by 1 person

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