Too Toxic To Leave?

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So, this is going to be a vent about this friendship I’ve been in which has been (constantly and almost consistently) toxic. I’ve been friends with this person for, wait for it, a whole seven, almost eight years. I’m 15. that’s inching dangerously towards spending more than half of my (admittedly short) life with her. And she’s started to become unbelievably toxic, and passive-aggressive, to the point where I don’t feel like confrontation will change anything. I’ve tried confrontation, and the results are either temporary or she dismisses it as me being a drama queen. While reading up on toxic relationships, I found the above picture. “Examine what you tolerate”. Great advice.

‘So, what have I been tolerating?’ That’s the immediate question that comes to mind, and the answer is vast and one that I couldn’t possibly rant about to anyone IRL- it’s something I think can only be captured in words that are written down, not spoken. I’ve never thought I did the whole speaking thing well, anyway.  I’ve been tolerating a certain degree of homophobia, unsupportiveness, having to shut myself up whenever they are around, and also just being put down and having passive aggressive jabs thrown at me.

She’s constantly telling me how much she hates my relationship. She won’t stop yapping about it, to the point where I’m like- okay, I get it, you hate my life choices, you’ve said it a trillion times.  It seems like she has to point it out all the time, to the point where I just give up. She’s also really unsupportive. I recently managed to have a conversation with my mom about me being Bisexual (!!!!) but I’ll save the details for a whole different post. Most of my other friends were pretty supportive about it. But for some reason I was afraid to tell her, simply because I didn’t expect support from her. I have never even received validation from her about my sexuality. She just said, and I quote, “obviously your mom wouldn’t take you seriously”. Gee, thanks. I don’t know why I told her, that was a stupid move because I can’t expect anything sympathetic from her at all.  It was stupid to expect an ‘I’m proud of you’ or even ‘at least you tried’.

To be honest, I’m just too tired to resist the toxicity of this friendship. Sure, when we have toxicfun, we have really good fun and she makes me feel like I matter, but when she’s playing he games with me it isn’t fun. In all our confrontations, she’s always managed to make me feel like the villain. Also, I feel like I can’t be me around her. The me I know loves giving hugs, loves posting silly selfies, is sensitive, and fangirls a lot. The me I am likes to be explicit about her emotions, likes to jump around and freak out when she’s excited. But just one eye-roll from her is enough to completely bog me down for the rest of the day. In fact, I’ve regretted almost everything I’ve ever shared with her. From the crushes to my self-harm, I’ve never received any support from her. She always twists it so that I’m the crazy one. So that the way I am is wrong. The last good fangirling session I had was forever ago, because when I’m around her I want to be the version of me that is approved by her, but that’s never enough. These days, I’ve been hanging out with people who aren’t her for a while, but she hates them too. There’s this girl I talk to who is just like me (a more exaggerated version of me) and this girl makes me really happy to talk to, but my ‘friend’ hates me for hanging out with her. Because I’m happier with her? What’s ironic is that my boyfriend, the one she detests, is always there for me when she isn’t. Who kissed my scars? Who told me he was proud when I came out to him? Who has always been around to cry on? He makes me feel more valid, worth it, and loved than she ever will. How ironic that to her, it’s my relationship with the guy I love that’s toxic. (this rant explains more xD)

I’ve friend who are way more awesome than her, and the more I think about it the more i realize the flood of relief I feel whenever she isn’t around.  Well, I’m going to be  girly girl and I’m going to like whatever I want to without giving a fuck about what she’ll think. That’s the best way forward, probably the only way forward.  It was just good to get off my chest, and I’ll probably keep updating this post whenever I need to rant.

Thanks for listening, Internet.

Thank you for reading! wanna check out more rants and weird attempts at poems and musings? My blog is open, and if you’re nice I’ll hand out cookies xD Anyways, if you’re currently struggling with depression and are feeling alone, take this free hug (click here and here and here for cute GIF s that send hugs from me to you ^^) and also a few hotlines, just in case.

Vent to an anonymous stranger- https://www.7cups.com

In case you’re feeling suicidal- http://suicide.org/

Hotlines for Depression specifically- http://addiction.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Depression_Hotlines

 

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One comment

  1. The Sound of Ed's Voice · April 7, 2016

    Maybe just pull back from her irl so she can miss you. Don’t tell her you are doing it because that’s just dramatic. Let actions speak louder than words

    Like

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