I’m A Bad Daughter.

I’m writing this through the lovely and raw filter of my own tears. How pathetic, I know. I sound like a whiny, crying teenager who has nothing better to do than complain. And now, apart from failing school, cutting, and being stupid in general, I realize I’ve always been the shittiest daughter. Constantly lying to them about my boyfriend, always rolling my eyes at them, never being perfect, having too big of an ego to say sorry… I just had a huge fight with my mum, now I feel like the absolute scum of the earth because I made her feel bad. I’m just such a monster! I started a fight out of nowhere and then ruined everybody’s day, all while having too big of an ego to apologize for it. I just want to feel like she’s my mom and I’m her daughter and that’s enough to figure the rest of it out. I want a non-dysfunctional relationship, and why can’t I stop crying? It’s sort of my fault that the relationship is so dysfunctional, I’m the one who’s always lying to them, I’m the one who chooses to keep things hidden from them because I hate sharing. Because I’m an emotionless cruel person who can’t eve talk to her parents without failing them as a daughter. I can’t stop the tears, even though I’m trying to put this behind m I can’t forgive myself for this. I cut, I don’t get straight A*s because I’m dumber than average, I’m not straight but I don’t come out to them because I don’t have the balls to.. I’m just a mess up, hell I even go around talking to my secret boyfriend without them knowing because I can’t communicate wit them, and it’s all my fault that w have such a dysfunctional relationship and that they have to live with a daughter that is a complete disappointment to them. I hate this, I absolutely hate this mess of emotions, I hate that I’m so weak that I can’t stop crying ad I hate that I don’t have that magical power that apparently some other people have where they can just get over somethings. I hate that I can’t give my mum what she wants, a healthy relationship. I hate that I just feel incapable of that kind of love. I HATE IT. I detest being a horrible daughter to them.

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5 comments

  1. Curtainofwords · April 9, 2016

    I read this and it made me sad that you feel that way. Let me tell you something you probably won’t believe. You are NOT a bad daughter….and you are NOT a complete disappointment to them. Your parents love you and I’m willing to bet if given the benefit of the doubt….they would understand more than you think they would. Coming out isn’t about having balls. It’s about getting to that place in your life where you are ready to be free of that burden of carrying around that secret. I was 42 years old when I finally allowed myself the freedom to be who I was. And I was still terrified to tell my parents. But you know what, they love me, almost more now it seems. Because I was happy finally. Don’t be so hard on yourself….you’re young and the world is crazy. But above all…take the chance now to just let your mom know that you love her and you just wanted her to know. You’re going to be ok. I’m sure of it.

    Like

    • queertasticblog · April 9, 2016

      Thank you so much for this! Its absolutely wonderful that you took the time to write that ❤ I guess I’m in a much better place now than I was when I wrote that hahah :), -hugs- it’s sometimes hard to believe but I do try to keep in mind that things always get better! Thank you for being so awesomesauce 🙂

      Like

  2. Advo. R.R.'SAGAR' · September 19

    Heart Touching,Nice One.

    Liked by 1 person

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