How I Came Out- To Myself.

bi-fiThe title of this post probably seems weird, doesn’t it? I hope it doesn’t sound as weird as I think it will, because as far as I know, having to come out to yourself is a normal thing to have to do as an LGBTQ+ person- right? Oh gosh, please tell me I’m right xD Well, I’m Bisexual, and that took me a super long time to accept, but I’m happy I did because after coming out to myself I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders- it was unimaginably light, and as if I could finally be at peace with myself and my identity. It took me ages just to conjure up the courage to even consider the fact that I might be Bi, and I’m pretty proud of myself for coming this far and being able to accept myself. It was a longer process than I thought it’d be, and it was definitely  huge challenge that was years in the making.

There are so many things that I think would’ve made it easier for me to find acceptance from myself, and most of these had to do with the society I live in (it’s hetero-normative) and the people I surround myself with on a daily basis (*cough* homophobic family members *cough*). As a kid, I just constantly felt be-who-you-are-bidifferent, and not the kind of different that made me feel good. I just always thought something was wrong with me, and  couldn’t ever put a finger on why I felt so different- was I freak? Was this how everyone else felt? I had absolutely nothing to guide my thoughts, and as a result I spent most of my life up till now just being confused and pushing these thoughts to the back of my brain. My parents barely acknowledge that the LGBTQ+ community even exists, so how am I supposed to come out if they don’t acknowledge the existence of my identity? All of these thoughts and my surroundings at the time just made it even harder for me to accept myself so I did what I think anyone else would’ve done-  I ignored that part of me for a very long time. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew I was different, but I also knew I was terrified to consider that I was different, and I’d always just dub myself straight and call it a day. I was in denial over my own identity, how majorly suckish is that? Finally, I decided to sit down and be honest with myself. It all happened via this site called 7cups.com, where I’m signed up as a Listener. Never heard of the site? well, it’s basically a support site that allows people to share their stories, and when I entered and joined a discussion with their LGBTQ+ community, I felt a sense of belonging that I’d never experienced before. Here I found something I thought I never would: people who felt exactly the way I did. Here I found people who were just like me. It was then that I realized- I’m not a freak, and I’m not alone at all. This is what prompted and encouraged me to come out, to myself. And after quite a fair bit of thinking, I realized that yes, I’m very, very, Bisexual, and it’s been that way since I was born. Don’t get me wrong, this didn’t happen overnight- nothing important ever does, unfortunately. It’s not like after spending a few minutes in the support group I was like “fabulous, I’m Bisexual, let’s party!”.

Nope, nothing could be further from the truth. The reality of things was that after that (amazing) support session, I spent a lot of nights tossing and turning and questioning myself. The memories came flooding back to me so fast, you’d be surprised. The acute tumblr_ny80n5MrYX1ul4dqno7_1280feeling I felt as a kid that made me feel like the odd one out, that feeling and the memory of feeling like that one ugly duckling in the crowds of white swans, the same one that had been irking the back of my mind for the majority of my (relatively short) life, that feeling just came flooding back, threatening to drown me, and I realized how, being in that support group, it was temporarily lifted off my shoulders. Before attending that support session, I don’t think I had fully understood how alone I’d been constantly feeling. I felt a sense of belonging like no other I’ve experienced before. To finally fit in- that’s powerful. Especially after a lifetime of wondering whether you are the odd one out. The constant nights of contemplating my bisexuality led me to the conclusion that yes, I was in fact bisexual. The conclusion to these months of deliberation wasn’t a dramatic one, it was years in the making. To be completely honest, I found the conclusion to all the self-questioning quite anti climactic, for something that had been brewing inside me for years. When I accepted myself, I didn’t get any pats on the back, there was no celebration, not even an internal one. I felt a bit like a 5K marathoner who’d finished an exhausting journey, only to realize nobody/nothing is waiting for them at the end. This wasn’t like anything me or anyone else in my life has had to deal with before, and disentangling the confusion I had surrounding my identity was just scratching the surface of everything else that was left to do- and I had no idea where to start. It’s like, okay, I have my identity, but now what to do with it? I felt completely lost in that sense, because coming out to myself was like scaling a huge mountain and then asking myself, “what now?”. I came out to myself, and yeah, that’s the first (extremely difficult) step, but now I was left in uncharted territory with no maps at all.  And I was, and still feel, alone. Immediately questions arose in my mind about coming out to everyone else, questions about how to deal with the rampant homophobia present in my family. It was all quite overwhelming.

Sure, I’ve accepted me, and yes, that’s a huge achievement, but nobody acknowledged that, and as a result I’ve been left feeling more alone than when I started. Not that I’m complaining, because things could be a lot worse for me. Since coming out to myself, I’ve come out to a few friends and my boyfriend. My boyfriend was wonderfully accepting of me, and so were most of my friends. A few of them had reservations about me, but I don’t blame them, and I’m still giving them time to come around. I’m learning, and I’m constantly trying to be more comfortable with my identity and who I am. The long term goal is, of course, to come out to my parents, but something tells me that won’t be happening in a long time.

 ♥       Thank you for reading  🙂   ♥  ♥ 

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10 comments

  1. FREAK IN THE SHEETS · February 28, 2016

    I still have yet to admit my sexuality to anyone besides my boyfriend and a few friends. I know I like both sexes but I never wanted to admit it out loud but I know it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s just still hard to deal with. But best of luck to you and your journey. Remember, you’re never alone!

    Liked by 2 people

    • queertasticblog · February 28, 2016

      Well, I wish you the best of luck too- acceptance is so much harder than people think it is, and its a challenge none of us are alone in facing ❤ -sends virtual hug- Yep, I'm trying to remember that sometimes I might feel lonely, but I'm never alone. Thank you for being so nice 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. RIP Anxiety · February 28, 2016

    You aren’t weird at all! It all boils down to the old phrase “You’ve got to love yourself before you can love anyone else” 🙂
    (I could’ve referenced RuPaul on that one – but I figured it would’ve been too much lol)

    Gay, straight, bi – whatever – we all encounter those moments of having a love/hate relationship with ourselves. In my opinion, that’s the most important relationship to focus on – and it’s not an overnight success either. Just like bringing a partner on board – the whole “it takes 2 to tango” thing applies to you getting along with your inner self as well.

    LOVED the BI-FI picture! Hilarious!

    Liked by 1 person

    • queertasticblog · February 28, 2016

      First of all, thanks for being so nice about my post, I really appreciate it! 🙂 I agree with you on that one, I think often we just neglect the most important relationship we have, and that’s the one we foster with ourselves. You’ve definitely got to co-operate with yourself every now and then, and gosh its good to have someone telling me that I’m *relatively* normal in the struggles I face! Also, about the Bi-Fi: I’m a sucker for puns, glad you share my tastes xD stay coolio 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • RIP Anxiety · February 28, 2016

        I have to remind myself that I am gay from time to time. I’m not perfect by any means with self acceptance, but in that department of my life – I just grew to not focus so much on my “label”. It’s a part of me – but it doesn’t COMPLETELY define me as a person. I find myself having to step back from time to time when I’m faced with judgement, questions, etc. and tell myself “oh yea, you’re gay” LOL! I never let it limit me though. Embrace yourself and be the one that shows the people you encounter that what makes you “different” can be overlooked. If that makes any sense…

        Liked by 1 person

      • queertasticblog · February 28, 2016

        That makes tons of sense, and I relate to what you’re talking about! As the months progress I’ve found myself needing a reminder that I’m Bi every now and then xD I agree, focusing too much on the label can be really unhealthy, and I think one of my biggest fears is that in the future when I come out people won’t be able to see past the label. Its inevitable that not all of the seven billion people out there will be accepting, but the thought still sends knots to my stomach. I’m working so hard on embracing myself, and I’m working even harder on making my “difference” normal 🙂 thanks for talking to me and sharing your thoughts, by the way- its nice to have someone to relate to! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      • RIP Anxiety · February 28, 2016

        Coming out to family isn’t easy at all. Typically – but not always – there will be disagreements, harsh words, tears, judgement, and so on… but that’s where you have to build yourself up to enter the scenario prepared. Yes – in a perfect world you would tell your loved ones your bi/gay and be accepted because they love you regardless. That’s unfortunately not reality, and you yourself have to be open to that fact. Don’t go into “coming out” with your battle gear on. Have the open mind that you would appreciate them having toward you. As long as you are confident in telling them that you love them and that you just want to be honest with them – that’s really all you can do. If they truly care about you no matter what – they will grow to look past your sexuality. You can’t let them drag you to their negative level – if that ends up being the case. Remember that your sexuality is a part of you. It isn’t everything about you. We all tend to not like certain things about the ones we love. Doesn’t mean we love them any less. The same attitude SHOULD apply to the topic of someone’s sexuality. That’s something everyone involved needs to keep in mind.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. aedrianx · February 29, 2016

    I’ve lived most of life as homosexual male, even before I admitted it to myself. Recently, though, I had a romantic relationship with a woman. It was quite a shock to others, and also a shock to me. People were asking about me almost daily regarding the sudden female present with me. Everyone accepted it, probably easier than I did. It lasted for about 8 months and only ended because of a series of events that made it hard for me to be in really any kind of relationship. We’re still fine friends, and even though I lean mostly towards males, there is a little attraction towards a few females going on, so I still have a Bi-Fi meter. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • queertasticblog · February 29, 2016

      hehe, awesome, the Bi-Fi is strong with this blog xD Accepting yourself must have been tough in the situation you described, but that’s completely normal 🙂 stay awesomesauce 😀

      Like

  4. Pingback: Fifty Posts Later… | Queertastic

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