The title of this post probably seems weird, doesn’t it? I hope it doesn’t sound as weird as I think it will, because as far as I know, having to come out to yourself is a normal thing to have to do as an LGBTQ+ person- right? Oh gosh, please tell me I’m right xD Well, I’m Bisexual, and that took me a super long time to accept, but I’m happy I did because after coming out to myself I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders- it was unimaginably light, and as if I could finally be at peace with myself and my identity. It took me ages just to conjure up the courage to even consider the fact that I might be Bi, and I’m pretty proud of myself for coming this far and being able to accept myself. It was a longer process than I thought it’d be, and it was definitely huge challenge that was years in the making.
There are so many things that I think would’ve made it easier for me to find acceptance from myself, and most of these had to do with the society I live in (it’s hetero-normative) and the people I surround myself with on a daily basis (*cough* homophobic family members *cough*). As a kid, I just constantly felt different, and not the kind of different that made me feel good. I just always thought something was wrong with me, and couldn’t ever put a finger on why I felt so different- was I freak? Was this how everyone else felt? I had absolutely nothing to guide my thoughts, and as a result I spent most of my life up till now just being confused and pushing these thoughts to the back of my brain. My parents barely acknowledge that the LGBTQ+ community even exists, so how am I supposed to come out if they don’t acknowledge the existence of my identity? All of these thoughts and my surroundings at the time just made it even harder for me to accept myself so I did what I think anyone else would’ve done- I ignored that part of me for a very long time. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew I was different, but I also knew I was terrified to consider that I was different, and I’d always just dub myself straight and call it a day. I was in denial over my own identity, how majorly suckish is that? Finally, I decided to sit down and be honest with myself. It all happened via this site called 7cups.com, where I’m signed up as a Listener. Never heard of the site? well, it’s basically a support site that allows people to share their stories, and when I entered and joined a discussion with their LGBTQ+ community, I felt a sense of belonging that I’d never experienced before. Here I found something I thought I never would: people who felt exactly the way I did. Here I found people who were just like me. It was then that I realized- I’m not a freak, and I’m not alone at all. This is what prompted and encouraged me to come out, to myself. And after quite a fair bit of thinking, I realized that yes, I’m very, very, Bisexual, and it’s been that way since I was born. Don’t get me wrong, this didn’t happen overnight- nothing important ever does, unfortunately. It’s not like after spending a few minutes in the support group I was like “fabulous, I’m Bisexual, let’s party!”.
Nope, nothing could be further from the truth. The reality of things was that after that (amazing) support session, I spent a lot of nights tossing and turning and questioning myself. The memories came flooding back to me so fast, you’d be surprised. The acute feeling I felt as a kid that made me feel like the odd one out, that feeling and the memory of feeling like that one ugly duckling in the crowds of white swans, the same one that had been irking the back of my mind for the majority of my (relatively short) life, that feeling just came flooding back, threatening to drown me, and I realized how, being in that support group, it was temporarily lifted off my shoulders. Before attending that support session, I don’t think I had fully understood how alone I’d been constantly feeling. I felt a sense of belonging like no other I’ve experienced before. To finally fit in- that’s powerful. Especially after a lifetime of wondering whether you are the odd one out. The constant nights of contemplating my bisexuality led me to the conclusion that yes, I was in fact bisexual. The conclusion to these months of deliberation wasn’t a dramatic one, it was years in the making. To be completely honest, I found the conclusion to all the self-questioning quite anti climactic, for something that had been brewing inside me for years. When I accepted myself, I didn’t get any pats on the back, there was no celebration, not even an internal one. I felt a bit like a 5K marathoner who’d finished an exhausting journey, only to realize nobody/nothing is waiting for them at the end. This wasn’t like anything me or anyone else in my life has had to deal with before, and disentangling the confusion I had surrounding my identity was just scratching the surface of everything else that was left to do- and I had no idea where to start. It’s like, okay, I have my identity, but now what to do with it? I felt completely lost in that sense, because coming out to myself was like scaling a huge mountain and then asking myself, “what now?”. I came out to myself, and yeah, that’s the first (extremely difficult) step, but now I was left in uncharted territory with no maps at all. And I was, and still feel, alone. Immediately questions arose in my mind about coming out to everyone else, questions about how to deal with the rampant homophobia present in my family. It was all quite overwhelming.
Sure, I’ve accepted me, and yes, that’s a huge achievement, but nobody acknowledged that, and as a result I’ve been left feeling more alone than when I started. Not that I’m complaining, because things could be a lot worse for me. Since coming out to myself, I’ve come out to a few friends and my boyfriend. My boyfriend was wonderfully accepting of me, and so were most of my friends. A few of them had reservations about me, but I don’t blame them, and I’m still giving them time to come around. I’m learning, and I’m constantly trying to be more comfortable with my identity and who I am. The long term goal is, of course, to come out to my parents, but something tells me that won’t be happening in a long time.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Thank you for reading 🙂 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥