How I Came Out- To Myself.

bi-fiThe title of this post probably seems weird, doesn’t it? I hope it doesn’t sound as weird as I think it will, because as far as I know, having to come out to yourself is a normal thing to have to do as an LGBTQ+ person- right? Oh gosh, please tell me I’m right xD Well, I’m Bisexual, and that took me a super long time to accept, but I’m happy I did because after coming out to myself I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders- it was unimaginably light, and as if I could finally be at peace with myself and my identity. It took me ages just to conjure up the courage to even consider the fact that I might be Bi, and I’m pretty proud of myself for coming this far and being able to accept myself. It was a longer process than I thought it’d be, and it was definitely  huge challenge that was years in the making.

There are so many things that I think would’ve made it easier for me to find acceptance from myself, and most of these had to do with the society I live in (it’s hetero-normative) and the people I surround myself with on a daily basis (*cough* homophobic family members *cough*). As a kid, I just constantly felt be-who-you-are-bidifferent, and not the kind of different that made me feel good. I just always thought something was wrong with me, and  couldn’t ever put a finger on why I felt so different- was I freak? Was this how everyone else felt? I had absolutely nothing to guide my thoughts, and as a result I spent most of my life up till now just being confused and pushing these thoughts to the back of my brain. My parents barely acknowledge that the LGBTQ+ community even exists, so how am I supposed to come out if they don’t acknowledge the existence of my identity? All of these thoughts and my surroundings at the time just made it even harder for me to accept myself so I did what I think anyone else would’ve done-  I ignored that part of me for a very long time. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew I was different, but I also knew I was terrified to consider that I was different, and I’d always just dub myself straight and call it a day. I was in denial over my own identity, how majorly suckish is that? Finally, I decided to sit down and be honest with myself. It all happened via this site called 7cups.com, where I’m signed up as a Listener. Never heard of the site? well, it’s basically a support site that allows people to share their stories, and when I entered and joined a discussion with their LGBTQ+ community, I felt a sense of belonging that I’d never experienced before. Here I found something I thought I never would: people who felt exactly the way I did. Here I found people who were just like me. It was then that I realized- I’m not a freak, and I’m not alone at all. This is what prompted and encouraged me to come out, to myself. And after quite a fair bit of thinking, I realized that yes, I’m very, very, Bisexual, and it’s been that way since I was born. Don’t get me wrong, this didn’t happen overnight- nothing important ever does, unfortunately. It’s not like after spending a few minutes in the support group I was like “fabulous, I’m Bisexual, let’s party!”.

Nope, nothing could be further from the truth. The reality of things was that after that (amazing) support session, I spent a lot of nights tossing and turning and questioning myself. The memories came flooding back to me so fast, you’d be surprised. The acute tumblr_ny80n5MrYX1ul4dqno7_1280feeling I felt as a kid that made me feel like the odd one out, that feeling and the memory of feeling like that one ugly duckling in the crowds of white swans, the same one that had been irking the back of my mind for the majority of my (relatively short) life, that feeling just came flooding back, threatening to drown me, and I realized how, being in that support group, it was temporarily lifted off my shoulders. Before attending that support session, I don’t think I had fully understood how alone I’d been constantly feeling. I felt a sense of belonging like no other I’ve experienced before. To finally fit in- that’s powerful. Especially after a lifetime of wondering whether you are the odd one out. The constant nights of contemplating my bisexuality led me to the conclusion that yes, I was in fact bisexual. The conclusion to these months of deliberation wasn’t a dramatic one, it was years in the making. To be completely honest, I found the conclusion to all the self-questioning quite anti climactic, for something that had been brewing inside me for years. When I accepted myself, I didn’t get any pats on the back, there was no celebration, not even an internal one. I felt a bit like a 5K marathoner who’d finished an exhausting journey, only to realize nobody/nothing is waiting for them at the end. This wasn’t like anything me or anyone else in my life has had to deal with before, and disentangling the confusion I had surrounding my identity was just scratching the surface of everything else that was left to do- and I had no idea where to start. It’s like, okay, I have my identity, but now what to do with it? I felt completely lost in that sense, because coming out to myself was like scaling a huge mountain and then asking myself, “what now?”. I came out to myself, and yeah, that’s the first (extremely difficult) step, but now I was left in uncharted territory with no maps at all.  And I was, and still feel, alone. Immediately questions arose in my mind about coming out to everyone else, questions about how to deal with the rampant homophobia present in my family. It was all quite overwhelming.

Sure, I’ve accepted me, and yes, that’s a huge achievement, but nobody acknowledged that, and as a result I’ve been left feeling more alone than when I started. Not that I’m complaining, because things could be a lot worse for me. Since coming out to myself, I’ve come out to a few friends and my boyfriend. My boyfriend was wonderfully accepting of me, and so were most of my friends. A few of them had reservations about me, but I don’t blame them, and I’m still giving them time to come around. I’m learning, and I’m constantly trying to be more comfortable with my identity and who I am. The long term goal is, of course, to come out to my parents, but something tells me that won’t be happening in a long time.

 ♥       Thank you for reading  🙂   ♥  ♥ 

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Is He A Bully, Or Is Everyone Else Just Unaware?

So, like some of my other posts, the title of this one is probably really cryptic, isn’t it? Especially considering I’ve been bullied before. So, I hear you asking, “What the actual eff is she doing dating a bully?” Well, if you’re confused, don’t worry, ’cause trust me, I am too. And I’ve been confused for a  very long time, it’s just occurred to me that I can go ahead and vent into the vast open internet. Long story short though, this post is gonna be a rant on me dating a guy who is apparently a “bully” (my friends just hate him and make it a point to tell me he sucks every single chance they get) but he’s actually super awesome and I think I’m in love with him (oops). So, this is gonna be a pretty weird rant of mine xD

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Yours Truly, “That Freak Who Self Harms”.

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~ Trigger Warning, Please Don’t Read If You’re Easily Triggered ~


At first glance, I get how I wouldn’t seem like the type of girl who sits down and thinks ‘damn, time to self mutilate’– after all, I’m decent with my studies and have a boyfriend and friends and a reasonably wide social circle, so why cut?
Gosh, if only it were that easy. I mean, I’ll be honest, I’d love to stop cutting and just completely recover. I’d love to look back on the day I lost my blade and have no regrets about it, but dang, I still wish I hadn’t lost it. Like, there’s a twisted part of me that kind of wants to own a blade collection and is jealous of the art student in my grade who own a full collection of shiny blades. I know, I’m not supposed to be thinking that way, but let’s just be honest. Read More

Letters From The Girl With The “Perfect Body”.

I’ve been taught, from a very young age, what “perfect” was- and what wasn’t, and from a very young age I’ve been conditioned to think the body I have is one that fits the wide, broad, and very misused definition of “perfect”. Let me elaborate, ‘cause you’re probably a little lost right now, given the cryptic introduction I just wrote.

I am someone who is considered “thin”. hear me when I say that that’s far from the same thing as “ideal”, at least in my books. Read More

We Had “The Talk”, & Here’s What I Learned.

To different people, “The Talk” means different things- to a parent it could mean the birds and the bees talk, to an LGBTQ+ Unicorn, it could mean coming out, and to a gaggle of eight year old girls “The Talk” is a matter of vague fantasies (I know when I was eight, all I could do was fantasize about what the talk was xD) Well, to specify, ’cause there are so may different types of talks to have, this talk I had was with my boyfriend. About sex. Ready for a little bit of cringing, anonymous viewer?  awesomesauce, let’s get on to it.

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“Haven’t You Heard? Kisses Heal Scars“

mantra2If you clicked on this post expecting romantic drivel, well, you wouldn’t be entirely wrong, but you wouldn’t be entirely right either. Like so many things in life, your assumptions about this post aren’t wrong, but they aren’t right either. It’s the textbook cliched romance story about self harm that has tumblr drooling (no offence, but you & I both know what I’m talking about xD)

I’ve often been one to roll my eyes at cliches, especially ones about romances. Yes, there is magic enfolded within every kiss on the forehead, within every butterfly in your stomach. Read More

*throws confetti* Hey, Internet, It’s Me.

so, I’m the new kid on WordPress. -waves- hi, to the strangers reading my blog (oh, who am I kidding, nobody is reading this anyway xD) A little about me: I’m a Bisexual (and yeah, you may have guessed, but I love using the word Queertastic, cause it’s a coolio word) I’m also someone who has self harmed and gone through Depression. I’m not the expert on relationships and am a bit of a headache to be around, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to you guys that I tend to get my romantic life as confused and tangled as a bowl of Ramen. Mmm, Ramen <3. Also, I’ll admit it- this is my third attempt at writing a blog, I’m the type of person who has tried to keep diaries as a kid and failed. But I think a blog is what  need, a space where I’m anonymous and am able to vent into the vast internet wilderness knowing that nobody I know (or anybody, for that matter) will read this. I’m a tad bit anti-social. I’m a lover of kittens and Ed Sheeran, The 1975, anything indie, and I will go down with my ships as a professional fangirl. I occasionally binge watch How To Get Away With Murder, I more-than-occasionally cry while eating ice cream and reading books, and I’d like to think of myself as less pathetic than I am (let’s face it, I’m suuuper pathetic, but hey, I’m okay with it somehow)

Hey there, Internet. Now I’ve introduced myself.