socially awkward rant (I)

i’m doing what i do normally when I’m alone in a crowded room. I really don’t feel like i can talk to anyone, and so sitting here alone in this corner just typing… well, suffice it to say I feel aggressively uncool. Great, now that I’ve described this situation, I feel inclined to explain myself. Here we go.

Unless I’m around friends or doing something stupid, I’m usually quite the social downer. Not really a party animal. I’d much rather just sit on my laptop and look busy (well, I am busy. Writing about your feelings on the internet is important, y’know). I know this sounds really lame (and yes, I did just admit to using my laptop as a social crutch) but what can I say, that’s just the truth. People are either laughing at something stupid/awkward that I’ve said or done, or they’re just ignoring me. I’m fine with that, I guess. Just glue your eyes to a screen until your only social interactions are forced, awkward, or mumble-y.

I think lately my outlook on social interactions has been rather pessimistic, and you really cannot blame me for it. My social decision making skills? zero, and you really don’t want to see me trying to be funny. Now,  before I go any further, I want to make this clear- this isn’t some “relatable” topic or whatever. I’m not trying to emulate some angsty tumblr post about how I just hate people and social interactions. In fact, if anything, I hope you guys can’t relate to these posts. I mean, this isn’t a good thing at all. Let me make this situation clear: I will call a day a success if I haven’t had to awkwardly hide in the bathroom to avoid people. That’s something I do, a lot. I will also call the day a success if nobody has asked me why I look so sad/angry/bored all the time. It’s just, I sometimes get this feeling, like this actual physiological reaction to any social situation where I feel uncomfortable, and yeah, it sucks and it frustrates me but more than anything else it’s just annoying. Nobody should want this. I don’t want it, and I actually wish I was more socially capable. So no, this isn’t meant to be ‘relatable’ at all.

For example, right now. I’m sitting alone in English class and randomly typing, and my chest feels heavy like someone is repeatedly punching it. Am i going to go get up and talk to someone? no, because I’m too anxious and feel too awful to do it. it annoys me because this is a very mundane and normal social situation and yet I’m having such a strong reaction to it. A strong physiological reaction that I cannot control. It feels really bad, but on the surface level it’s FUCKING ANNOYING. Like, I look so calm right now as I’m typing, but inside I’m a frantic mess. I feel alone, and stupid, and just like I want to fade into the walls. And this happens in short bursts several times a day, so I’ll go from feeling this anxious feeling to feeling like a loud happy go lucky person several times a day. Since when did everyday have to become a literal emotional roller coaster? This is inconvenient. I just don’t like that sinking feeling that I get and can’t control.

Every time my chest starts sinking, leaving my feeling like I’m being plunged into an abyss, all I can think is “oh no”. Thanks, social situations. I now genuinely am scared of you, because holy shit I’ll never know when a social situation will plunge me into temporary despair. Just the other day, I was having a conversation with my teacher about an experiment that I’m supposed to conduct, and suddenly BAM i feel the sinking feeling and suddenly just don’t want to talk anymore. He was asking me a question, and I was just silent for a while because I was too consumed with ‘the feeling’ to figure out that he had asked me a question. It was the worst. I think it’s just hard knowing that at any point in the day, you might feel as though a car has slammed into your chest. And that once you’re into this episode, you’ll be socially unwilling and dysfunctional for at least twenty minutes. It just scares me.

And it’s not just affecting me, I think my friends are finally catching on to me too. I was acting super withdrawn once, and during that specific hour, I had to have a Skype call for schoolwork, another Skype with a friend just cause I didn’t want to seem antisocial, (but she’s awesome, I love her and this was one call I literally felt so easy about interaction) and like five different papers to write. So I had to do all of this with “the feeling”. The anxious feeling. It was just so inconvenient, and I resented not being able to control it. The result? I couldn’t keep it in, a even though I thought I was doing a good job of it, I wound up acting like a moody bitch and everyone noticed. At least, most of my online friends noticed, and I felt really bad. I don’t want to be the moody one, I want to be the happy ray of sunshine! I just cannot control this, and the fact that now it’s causing mood spillovers is upsetting. Sure, feeling uncontrollably awful inside at various unpredictable intervals is already bad enough, but when what you feel inside spills out into the outside, that’s when things just suck.

If you’re still here, you’re probably wondering: what does this crazy girl even do when presented with a social interaction? Well, I’ll either be so silent and unresponsive that things get awkward, or I’ll overcompensate by talking too much, which is when things.. also.. get awkward. Yeah, there’s only one possible ending. Except that it’s not cute, awkward, and ‘relatable’ anymore when you feel as though a car could be slamming into your chest at any given point. I bet so many people think I’m unimpressed with them or hate them, but I’m actually just a scared loser. There’s many people who laugh at me (not in a mean way) when I do something awkward. It’s a thing that people find endearing, if you can believe that. It just makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. Or fade into a wall. Or both at the same time.

So what have I done about this? I’ll tell you. I’ve done what a stupid person would do, which is I haven’t talked about it with anyone, (because I literally hate talking about it. I hate even thinking about it) I haven’t tried being positive about it since I can’t control it, I haven’t even googled it, so essentially, all I’m doing is waiting. Waiting for what? I don’t know, maybe I’m waiting for these emotional oscillations to slow down so I can feel functional again. It’s one thing to appear functional, but until I feel functional again I really am not gonna accept a “case closed” on this crisis. All I’ve done is cry while watching old favorite movies (Almost Famous, anyone?) and listen to really emo favorites. Oh, and Elton John. There’s been a lot of Elton John and denial. I guess at this point, waiting is the best I can do because this is uncharted territory.

Don’t get me wrong, though. It’s not like I’m not trying to be happy or anything. I really am trying my hardest, I want to be happy more than anything else. Being an emotional mess is awful, nobody would ever want that. Even when I get ‘the feeling’, I try my hardest to remind myself that it’s temporary, but I can’t think the feeling away. I know half of the battle is mental, and so I keep a journal and keep track of what I’m grateful for. I tell the people that I love how much I appreciate them. I make a point of patting myself on the back for achievements. I try to not mope around and be unproductive. I’m trying to control whatever I can, but I can’t control these.. erm.. episodes,  if you will. I can’t mentally think away a physical phenomenon, I wish I could, and I still try to but so far it hasn’t been working. I suppose talking to someone would be ideal, but I really don’t want to. People I don’t even know that well have asked me if I’m okay, why I look sad, and I’m able to fake happy. Even with my closest friends, I’d never want to talk about this. I just can’t. I don’t want to. Even if it makes me feel shitty.

So yeah, rant over. I should probably search Google, but the words ‘anxiety’ and ‘depression’ will come up, and I’m really not one for self-diagnosis. I’m quite sure I have neither of those things, and I know that Google won’t be able to understand me. don’t even understand me. Oh well, maybe some fellow emotional oscillators are out there to sympathize with me, hmm?

 

change, come faster

Hey guys (more like hello to the two people reading this), so I’ll be honest.. I haven’t really been doing the greatest.

I know my last post was all optimistic and sunny, and I mean don’t get me wrong- I still want the same things for myself. It’s just that I’m hopelessly confused. I’m confused, because really all I want is to walk down a path that I’m happy with. I’m confused with what I want to become when I grow up, I’m confused about how to be happy, I’m confused if the advice “do what makes you happy” is meant to taunt me, someone who has no idea what will make her happy.

Time for more honesty. I’ve been crying, more than I’d like to admit. I wish I could say that it’s okay to cry or i’ll get over it, don’t worry about me, but frankly when you consider the circumstances, it would be almost irresponsible for me to say those things. I’ve been crying just so much. I know this might be just a me thing, but I hate crying, because it just emphasizes the lack of closure and control involved in the situation. Of course, the occasionally crying is fine and sometimes healthy (and no, crying because you read TFIOS does not count for the type of crying I’m talking about.. you know what I mean). It’s just that crying yourself to sleep every night for three consecutive nights for the same exact reason is not healthy.  Being unable to tear yourself away from constant fear and doubt is unhealthy. Constantly asking yourself the same questions is not healthy. Randomly crying at various points of the day just thinking about the future- that cannot be healthy.

I seriously cannot even begin to explain the devastation that not knowing where I’ll be in a little over a year has caused. It all has, for some reason, dawned on me: I’m leaving high school, I have no fucking idea what I want to do when I grow up, and all I’ve been able to think for these past few days is “I’ve never been less happy”

I’ve never been less happy.

I need plans, I need structure. I want a map of my life in front of me and I want me from ten years later to reassure me, to tell me that all my worries are just a passing phase, and that yes, you will be happy with what you want to do. This all started with two sentences, actually. The first was when someone I really admire said “as long as you love what you’re doing, you will be alright” and the second, from the same person, was from right after that person dropped out of college where the person was reflecting and said “this is the most fun I’ve ever had”. Those words stuck with me, and in the middle of pathetic sobbing, I kept thinking that happiness is the endgame. (Also, side note, I’m keeping the person I admire very anonymous for now even though this person is very well known, cause I just want to, kay? :p ) I kept thinking, I want that. I want to make people smile the way this person has made countless people smile. I want to be able to say, without hesitation ‘this is the most fun I’ve ever had’. I’m sixteen. Depending on how you think, you either think I’m too young to fret over my future or far too late to the “help i don’t know what I want to do with my life” party.

I just feel like I need to know what to do with the rest of my life. I feel like I need to figure out what makes me happy and then immediately start hacking away at it so I can do what I love for the rest of my life. I’m very uncomfortable with not knowing what I want. And I guess you could say… it’s making me the least happy I’ve ever been, in a long time.

I know this is not forever, but I also know that any epiphanies that I come to right now will possibly affect the rest of my life.

so yeah. that happened.

i am not done changing

hello there, internet. Things have been weird lately, but here I am, in the flesh. Of course, my life has been hectic. Up and down, left and right, in and out, all over the place. I think what I’m slowly learning is that eventually you have to stop chasing happiness in other people and start looking for it and creating it within yourself. So, that’s what I’m going to do. After finally understanding how flurried up my priorities have been lately, I’ve decided once and for all that enough is enough. Not going to waste any more time looking for happiness anywhere but in myself.

I am in the process of growing, and am not going to stall this process of growing for people who are going to be inconsequential to me in a couple more years. And so, recognizing that I have my whole life ahead of me, i am going to be happy. The context: I have been smitten over something that I now realize is both stupid and also just unreachable.

I’m going to take better care of me. I’m going to work towards my goals and  my happiness. because if this is my last year of high school, I’m remembering it as the year where I achieved things. The year where I was happy. The year where I was filled with good memories, with good things only. With happiness, with determination, with something that I can only just describe as the right mixture of headstrong and hardworking. Nobody should ever dwell on a person. A person. That’s just not how it should go. No more messed up priorities. NO MORE, I TELL YOU. I’m just going to be me, and have fun, and focus on what will be the best for me. No distractions, no distractions.

There. That was my very vague declaration of positivity. I’m going to come back to read this again whenever I feel like I need a kick up the arse, but here’s my promise to myself- I am not done changing. So much more change is to come these next few years, and I’m up for that challenge. Throw it at me, I’m ready. I’m going to be proud of myself, eventually. And I will do whatever it takes to get there. I’m going to work, I’m going to laugh, I’m going to smile, I’m going to take care of myself.

I will sort myself out.

Zachary

note- this poem was wholly inspired by 13 reasons why, because holy shit I have a problem with that show. (8 episodes in one day, what even) Maybe it’s weird that I’m writing a poem based entirely on one character but whatever. I find him poetic.

Zachary,

what are you doing?

stealing compliments from a dead girl,

Zachary,

you ought to know.

Where are you magic tricks?

where was your charm,

why don’t you ever get told “no”?

kind Zachary,

too kind.

Home Is…

home is three people laughing in a dimly lit room

surrounded by dancing people.

home is the hallways so familiar

hallways we run down,

hallways we storm down,

hallways that we hurry down,

hallways we have walked a million times before.

home is the laughter

home is not needing to try

home is having them to be weird with,

having them look out for you as you cry

home is not a shell of a building,

home is a feeling,

a concept.

finding a new home?

outside the walls of this high school?

terrifying.

Fate.

I’m a 16 year old, and in less than a year, I’ll have to choose where I go to college. This is a realization that strikes me multiple times of week and sends me into a frenzied, fear-induced panic. Recently, I’ve stopped looking at it this way. I think I’ve been coming to terms with it, and now when I look at it from a more calm lens, it raises some questions for me. More specifically, questions about fate.

“If it’s meant to be, it will be”. I’m studying for my SATs when suddenly I think ‘hey, if I fail my SATs, maybe it was meant to be?’ Of course, nobody wants to fail their SATs, but it was just a thought. I probed deeper.  What if I make the wrong decision about where I want to go in college? The idea that flaws in my choices will permanently impact my future terrified me in a way that was so much deeper than the frenzied, fear-induced panic that was featured earlier. And so, I turned to fate. I’ve never believed in it. Until a few days ago, that is. When I kind of mulled over it far deeper than I ever had before. Because if fate exists, it would always be one step ahead of you. Maybe that erratic change of heart was meant to happen, and wasn’t just you making a choice. Essentially, this is comforting because it means there are no wrong choices- it was meant to happen. (I really hope I’m being easy to follow right now).

I began looking for examples in my life for fate, and found very few. One major choice that I’ve made out of almost nowhere (I shocked myself, frankly) was breaking up with my (ex) boyfriend while we were in a perfectly happy relationship. I don’t regret it. Broke my own heart, in some ways, but don’t regret it. Maybe that’s because it was meant to be? At the time I thought it was my own decision, and I still do find a different type of comfort in believing that your life is solely in your hands, but let’s face it- it’s more comfortable believing that fate is already one step of you, and that if it’s meant to be, it will be.

But I like making things difficult for myself (shocker). I like asking questions that shouldn’t be asked, starting weird conversations. I dread confrontation, but I also kind of seek it. And so, of course, I’m not going to let fate slide until I get a more palpable answer than that. I’m not going to believe in something just because it’s comfortable. I’d get nowhere. So, going back to examining examples from my own life, I found one more example that made the argument for fate a little more convincing. And that argument is me. I know right know you’re (wait, is anyone even reading this anyway?) probably shaking your head and asking why you’re following me. It all began when my mom was going off to college. She sought out the help of a fortune teller (fortune tellers were pretty common in Kerala at that time) to help her decide which college she should go to, of the ones in which she got accepted. Her fortune teller told her, go to the dentistry college instead of engineering. To he mother (my grandmother’s) displeasure, my mom went ahead and took engineering anyway, because she liked it far more. And where did she meet my dad? Engineering college. To add to this argument, she missed getting her seat in medicine by a few marks. Obviously, it wasn’t an ideal scenario at the time, but if she had went to a medicine college, would I be me? That’s one example of everything happening for a reason (her not getting into medicine) clashing with taking control of your decisions (her choosing engineering). And yet, this whole example seems to lean towards fate. Her “erratic” decision to choose engineering wound up working just fine, so I could argue that it was meant to be. note: I’m aware how stereotypically Indian it is to have ‘medicine’ and ‘engineering’ in the same sentence.

Yep, I’m confused about fate. More than that, I’m confused about going places and carving something out of my identity. But that all ties back into fate, and I still have no idea if I believe in it or not. I just think it’s kind of strange how I went from not believing in fate at all to being so confused about it.

Maybe it’s just a phase.

xo queertastic

The Chronicles of My Not-Crush

Hello, blog. It’s been a while. Sometimes, writing for literally nobody except myself can be such a relief. This week, I’ve been shying away from writing just because it’s been a heck of a week. It’s been ridiculously long, and I’m left feeling overwhelmed by things both preposterously large and outrageously small. Also, warning- this post is going to be utter garbage in terms of writing, and in terms of content. I’m only writing to hear my own voice after what’s been far too long.

Starting with the large- I have two months to prepare for my SATs, and my assessments, both of which I need to nail if I want to redeem myself. I’ll save these for another post, because right now I just cannot bring myself to talk about them.

Now, on to the small. Small problems to me are easy to talk about and actually quite fun to play with. As you would probably guess, my small problem involves a crush. More like *cough* a Not-Crush *cough*. Nobody likes crushes, they’re just annoying as hell. So when a crush first popped up to say hello earlier this week, I was ready to kill it with fire because NO. The last thing I need right now is a crush, ew. Crushes are just one of the many ways in which life decides to use your emotions to loud your judgement. So basically, there’s this person that I have found pretty attractive for a while, but like- not boyfriend attractive. just everything else attractive. I’ve never considered myself a shallow person who only likes people on raw attraction, but I don’t control my crushes, okay?!?!? I can’t help it. The crush is huge, here to stay, and probably not the best idea. Ugh, this morning he was in the same class as me and we were alone and I was being anti-social because I didn’t want to speak and mess things up. Then I hear my name, and inside I just go oh my gosh, what have I done now?  The voice, coming from the other side of the room, is, well, ugh. It’s the voice of my Not Crush. They’re asking what subjects I’m doing, and I fight back the urge to say “Biology, Chemistry, and English- but I really want to be doing you”. I’m hilarious, I know. We move on to talking about haircare, and morning routines, because curls are so hard to take care of. Stupid, mundane, boring, elementary and one dimensional. I guess those are the properties of a Not Crush.

// u n k n o w n //

to ask.

why did i even ask?

when i know these questions

do not yield for me.

when i know that there is refuge

in not knowing.

my newest discovery

the unexpected pleasure derived

from the notorious state of in between

knowing, not knowing,

and the bliss

of ambiguity.

Suddenly, You Smell Like Nothing

Stepping outside, and suddenly you’re there

Seeing the unfamiliar,

but we’re breathing familiar air.

Smiling a smile I haven’t seen for ages,

Like an old revisited book, we turn the pages.

I lost it when I saw you, and I ran.

One of the rare times I don’t run away, but toward.

Toward you. Maybe the hugs were awkward,

and perhaps they lasted a tad too long

but I didn’t care who was watching.

Not even your stupid, stupid, friends, because for once I can actually stand them

Maybe I owe you an apology for finding you warm

and comforting

and kind

and open

and oh, my gosh, you are a relief.

Thanks for remembering that I’m doing so well with my scars,

for checking that they’ve faded.

Thanks for being as accepting as ever,

and for laughing at me when required.

Suddenly, I miss you, so I inhale.

Maybe searching for the smell of you that used to be on your jacket,

the jacket I used to wear on late nights,

when I experienced an altogether different type of cold.

I inhale and find some foreign cologne,

and you suddenly smell like nothing.

Is this why we romanticize nothingness?

I can’t find my mind,

but I’m happy you stopped by.

Hello loves! It’s me, Queertastic 🙂 I know, I’ve been super duper MIA, it’s just cause exams are happening and my laptop got crunked! Well, I’m back now and my laptop is as well! (I’m finally complete. I was so empty without my laptop). Recently, my ex revisited. I haven’t seen him in six months, and yes, I was happy to see him- I was also confused, amused, oddly warm, and at the end of it I was convinced he snagged that special place in my heart. As a friend, as an ex, as a whatever- there’s always going to be this tiny corner just for him. This poem was just me trying to get things out as briefly as possible, I’ll possibly be posting about it later (not that anyone cares, but I want to get it all out of me nonetheless!) I’m aware this poem has no structure and NO direction but eh, as I said earlier, I had to get it out there.

The Strangest Metaphor You’ll Read This Week #3

So I’m doing this thing where I take the strange, weird metaphors that randomly come to me and putting them down here! If you want to check out my last one, you can find it here, it’s a personal favorite 😉  

Anyways, we’re comparing the passage of time to a statue my friend and I spotted at an MRT station (a train station in Singapore), on our way to watching La La Land, which was, Read More